Portofino Resort- Now with a new BEACH BAR!!
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#133565 - 01/02/01 04:27 AM A Couple Of Good Ones
Sandcrab Offline
I couldn't resist sending these, folks.
Enjoy!!! **Jim
***********************************
To Americans Everywhere

This is a transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995, released by the Chief of Naval Operations.


Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.


Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.


Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.


Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.


Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT IS ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH,OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.


Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call....

***************************************

To Everyone In the Hotel Business Everywhere.

This should be mandatory reading for anyone in the hospitality industry. You've got to love it.

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests. The Hotel ended up submitting the letters to the London Sunday Times!
-------------------


Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,
S. Berman
-------------------

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today. My instructions from the
management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy
Relief Maid
-------------------

Dear Maid,
I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial, so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.

S. Berman
-------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed to do by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance.

Your regular maid,
Dotty
-------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.

Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
-------------------

Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf.
In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman
-------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.

Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
-------------------

Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman
-------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
-------------------

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.

S. Berman
-------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
-------------------

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:

On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.
One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman
------------


Courtesy of:
==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==
Dr. James B. Appleberry, President
American Association of State Colleges and Universities
1307 New York Avenue, Fifth Floor
Washington, DC 20005-4701
==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==

[This message has been edited by Sandcrab (edited 01-03-2001).]
_________________________
**Jim

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#133566 - 01/02/01 05:35 AM Re: A Couple Of Good Ones
MamaLiz Offline
Only the English could be such polite idiots ;-)

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#133567 - 01/02/01 06:32 AM Re: A Couple Of Good Ones
Sandcrab Offline
They are unsurpassed when it comes to dry humour. Got the best sitcoms on TV too. I didn't hit a nerve did I? Hmmm!!!

**Jim

[This message has been edited by Sandcrab (edited 01-03-2001).]
_________________________
**Jim

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#133568 - 01/02/01 10:18 PM Re: A Couple Of Good Ones
MamaLiz Offline
My husband is from England and my daughters are dual citizens, so I'm always looking for ammunition.
We won't mention the fact that all of my ancestors are from the British Isles, hubby tends to forget that when I'm razzing him ;-)

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#133569 - 01/02/01 11:30 PM Re: A Couple Of Good Ones
Anonymous
oh i am busting up. i am just hysterical. these are great, thatnk you, you made my day! truth is always so much funnier than fiction!! ps - i too love BBC TV

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