Portofino Resort- Now with a new BEACH BAR!!
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#133786 - 01/15/01 12:29 PM For the girls
CAPTAIN bigzeke Offline
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the
dishes? Both of them.

Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They don't stop and
ask for directions.

What do men and sperm have in common? They both have a one in-a-million
chance of becoming a human ! being.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of

What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds mature.

Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never happened.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.

Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see
what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in
the bed and go to the fridge.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his toes.

What did God say after creating man? I have to be able to do better than that!

What did God say after creating Eve? Practice makes perfect.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "Why did you make her SO dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
There is only one cure for baldness. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

#133787 - 01/15/01 01:04 PM Re: For the girls
SP Daily Offline

#133788 - 01/15/01 01:26 PM Re: For the girls
Sandshaker Offline

*sticking tongue out at Jesse*

Well done Zeke.....spoken like a truly secure male! You can't be ALL bad.

#133789 - 01/16/01 11:56 PM Re: For the girls
MamaLiz Offline
OK, so how many women does it take to change a lightbulb?

None...They'd rather sit in the dark and bitch about it.

#133790 - 01/17/01 01:08 PM Re: For the girls
Debbie Offline
Your insight is astonishing!

#133791 - 01/17/01 02:23 PM Re: For the girls
CAPTAIN bigzeke Offline
On break from college, this guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings a friends with him.

While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts chomping away at the bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.

As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother,
"Thanks for the peanuts Granny!"

Granny replies, "I'm glad you enjoyed them sonny...
since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em!"
There is only one cure for baldness. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

#133792 - 01/17/01 08:49 PM Re: For the girls
MamaLiz Offline

#133793 - 01/17/01 10:44 PM Re: For the girls
rubicon Offline
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table.
very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet
twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
when I'm completely nude." With that she strips naked

Her neck down, and rolls the dice while yelling,
needs new clothes!"

Then she hollers..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" Then she

begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the
With that she picks up her winnings and clothes and
leaves. The dealers just stare at each other

Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"

The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"

****Proves all blondes aren't dumb.

#133794 - 01/20/01 06:15 PM Re: For the girls

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the
You don't give a rat's butt if someone doesn't notice your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just
too icky looking.
Same work... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your
own jars.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is $6.95 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. Everything on your face stays
its original color. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the
passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You don't have to clean your
apartment if the maid is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever
thinking "He's mad at me."
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think about which way to turn a nut on a
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. You don't have to shave
below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife or your teeth.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December
24th, in 45 minutes.

#133795 - 01/22/01 12:48 PM Re: For the girls
Debbie Offline
I LOVE IT!!!! Really cute. Have to forward this on to hubby. He makes reference to several of these. Thanks for making me smile!


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