Listening to political speeches is a lot like listening to your wife - you know something is going on even though you're not paying much attention to it.
If you want your wife to listen to what you have to say, talk in your sleep.
The next war will be like a fight with your wife - impossible to win it or end it.
An exhaustive study of police records shows that no wife ever shot her husband while he was doing the dishes.
A wife will always forgive and forget - but she'll never let you forget that she forgave and forgot.
If a man's wife is his better half, and he marries twice, what then becomes of him?
Pretend to treat your wife as a rational creature. It may surprise her at first, but she'll appreciate it.
On the other hand, she may burst out crying - thinking you're drunk again.
The one thing that proves you can't afford to support a wife is having one.
Many a man met his wife through a dating service - her mother!
A word to the wife is never sufficient.
Any man who doesn't know what his wife is thinking hasn't been listening.
It's foolish to worry about something beyond your control - such as your wife.
A yawn is nature's provision for making it possible for husbands to open their mouths.
One reason it's often difficult to coax men to go to church is that men aren't interested in what other men are wearing.
It is intuition that enables a woman to put two and two together and come up with any answer that suits her.
If you believe that a woman hasn't a mind of her own, you've never served on a jury.
The man who said the art of conversation is dead never stood outside a telephone booth waiting for a woman to finish talking.
An optimist thinks the woman in the phone booth will be right out because he heard her say good bye.
When a woman suffers in silence, the phone is probably out of order.
When a man answers the phone he reaches for a pencil; when a woman answers she reaches for a chair.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
If you want to make a woman nervous, just put her in a room with a hundred hats and no mirror.
A woman likes a man best who has a will of his own -
made out in her name.
Women distrust men too much in general and not enough in particular.
There is only one cure for baldness. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.