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#143083 - 05/06/02 09:57 AM time for a useless joke thread
sweetjane Offline
Men Bashing from Australia:

1. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.
2. Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a tart.
3. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They Won't stop and ask for directions.
4. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
5. What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds eventually will mature.
6. Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.
7. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know. It has never happened.
8. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
9. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
10. When do you care for a man's company? When he owns it.
11. Why are married women usually heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed, married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.
12. How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Tape the remote control between his toes.

#143084 - 05/06/02 10:15 AM Re: time for a useless joke thread
i did not know my two ex husbands lived in australia!!!!

#143085 - 05/06/02 11:36 AM Re: time for a useless joke thread
mountain Larry Offline
Shame on you! For men everywhere I'd like to say I think you'd have problems finding two men to do dishes. Is that a bad thing?

#143086 - 05/06/02 06:58 PM Re: time for a useless joke thread
rickcheri Offline
Excellent Jane...and SO true!!! Gay-you're too funny!!! I'm hoping all my ex's went to Australia!!!! C

#143087 - 05/06/02 07:20 PM Re: time for a useless joke thread
Mosquitorose Offline
Your Daily Moment of Zen (Modified to reflect contemporary wisdom):

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will
sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass... then things get worse .

The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
Love is a many splendid thing and food runs a close second.

#143088 - 05/06/02 10:53 PM Re: time for a useless joke thread
paluxy Offline
MR & SJ...well today was definately not wasted, i have laughed. Thank you both!

#143089 - 05/07/02 09:51 AM Re: time for a useless joke thread
sweetjane Offline
good ones, rose. i too am laughing. they are a bit too real!

#143090 - 05/07/02 03:24 PM Re: time for a useless joke thread
Gela Offline
Thanks for the humor - boy I need it today!
Gela's AC Motto: "All Roads Used to Lead to BC's" frown

#143091 - 05/09/02 12:33 AM Re: time for a useless joke thread
Mosquitorose Offline
Hahahaha I love jokes! let's keep it up..laughter is good for the soul.

Leaving San Antonio for Houston, I decide to make a stop at one of
those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom.
The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat
down when I hear a voice from the next stall..."Hi there, how is it

Ok I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in
washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say so finally
I say: "Not bad..."

Then the voice says: "So, what are you doing?"

I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say:
"Well, I'm just going to the bathroom, then I'm going back east..."

Then I hear the person say all flustered: "Look I'll call you back,
every time I ask you a question - this idiot in the next stall keeps
answering me!


[This message has been edited by Mosquitorose (edited 05-08-2002).]
Love is a many splendid thing and food runs a close second.

#143092 - 05/09/02 10:21 AM Re: time for a useless joke thread
sweetjane Offline
LOL! funny.

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