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#144596 - 07/24/02 09:49 PM This Board Is Getting Boring--New Joke Thread
JmHanna Offline
The latest ploy to drive the Taliban and Al Queda out of the
mountains of Afghanistan is to send in a team of Alabama Special
Billy Bob, Bubba, Boo, Scooter, and Cooter are being sent in with the
following information about the Taliban:
1. There is no limit.
2. The season opened last weekend.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, country music, or Jesus.
5. Some are queer.
6. They don't like barbecue.
7. They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death.
Should be over in just about a week. Don't you think?

#144597 - 07/25/02 11:01 AM Re: This Board Is Getting Boring--New Joke Thread
MandM Offline
A friend of mine once told me a story about how he inherited a parrot from his uncle Bill. Walter was a rather straight-laced, circumspect kind of a man, and he was appalled when, after a few days in its' new home, the parrot began to display very disturbing behavior.

It seems as though being removed from his beloved human - uncle Bill - took a terrible toll on the parrots attitude,,, or perhaps he had always been this way - Walter did not know, but, the foul language that spewed forth from that parrots' beak was more than my friend Walter could stand.

Walter would walk into the room where the parrot lounged in a very luxurious cage, only to be confronted with the vilest of profanities and deluges of ridicule. Night after night, as Walter returned home from a long day at work, he was accosted with a non-stop stream of filth from his uncle Bills' parrot.

Being a respectful man, Walter could hardly think about giving the parrot away (or worse), but after a few weeks, he was at his wits end to know what to do. He had tried his best to talk reason to the bird - he had been as patient as he knew how.

Finally, after a particularly stressfull day at work, only to come home to more insults and curses, Walter lost it. The parrot had insulted and offended him one too many times. Walter jumped up from the sofa, opened the door to the cage, grabbed the parrot - not quite knowing if he would choke it or what - walked into the kitchen, looked around, and finally opened the door to the freezer, threw the parrot inside, and slammed the door shut.

Walter wasn't much of a drinking man, but he grabbed a beer out of the fridge and stomped back into the living room. After a while, the curses from the parrot, muffled through the freezer door, began to subside. Walter couldn't believe his ears though, when he started hearing a tone of voice coming from that freezer that he had never heard before. The parrot was actually apologizing! Walter didn't care - he was still fuming.

Later still, Walter began feeling guilty, as the parrots pleading and appologizing began to get weaker and weaker. As the parrots voice got weaker still, Walter just couldn't live with the thought of causing harm to his uncles' beloved pet. He got up from the sofa , walked into the kitchen and opened the freezer door. The parrot quickly jumped out onto Walters shoulder, all the while politely thanking him and swearing that he was a changed bird, that he would never again curse or ridicule, and would always be polite.

Walter allowed that he would forgive the parrot, but that he must never behave that way again.

The parrot agreed without hesitation, and then, after a moment of hushed silence, still shivering horribly, the parrot meekly asked -

"Just out of curiosity, would you mind telling me what the chicken did?"

[This message has been edited by MandM (edited 07-25-2002).]

#144598 - 07/25/02 11:22 AM Re: This Board Is Getting Boring--New Joke Thread
Jonathan Offline
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

#144599 - 07/25/02 11:37 AM Re: This Board Is Getting Boring--New Joke Thread
o jackie Offline
Why did she have to be blonde?

#144600 - 07/25/02 01:36 PM Re: This Board Is Getting Boring--New Joke Thread
Jonathan Offline
she wasn't a "real" blonde

#144601 - 07/25/02 01:40 PM Re: This Board Is Getting Boring--New Joke Thread
snowbird Offline
I couldn't resist a joke thread...
to sweetjane, no offense intended!
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was immediately attracted to him, and during her questions about
his life, she asked him how he had sex.
"Tarzan not know sex," he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, "Oh...Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all
wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, "you must put it in here!" Tarzan removed his
loincloth...stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What in the Hell did you do that for?"
"Tarzan check for bees"

#144602 - 07/25/02 06:23 PM Re: This Board Is Getting Boring--New Joke Thread
rickcheri Offline
True story....a 13 year old girl was getting her haircut in my salon....she heard some women "malebashing", and suddenly stood up and stated "Men Are from Jupiter..cause they just get stupider!"...ahh, to be so wise and so young!!! LOL......How are men and vacations alike??? They're never long enough!!! Coconut

#144603 - 07/25/02 07:35 PM Re: This Board Is Getting Boring--New Joke Thread
klcman Offline

You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead."

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, " Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other women replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The bride, upon getting engaged, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Young Son: Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; by then it was too late."

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she..

During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."

Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.

Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?

My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done for free.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _________________ _ _ _ _ _ _
But then what do I know, I am but a mere caveman

#144604 - 07/25/02 08:39 PM Re: This Board Is Getting Boring--New Joke Thread
ellydognme Offline
yeah! I liked all of these. Even the one about the blonde (Of course, me being a natural blonde, it does not apply to me- he he). And people wonder why I have not married?????? Keep them coming. I would post one, but I can never remember any after they are told! lol

#144605 - 07/25/02 08:58 PM Re: This Board Is Getting Boring--New Joke Thread
Johnboy Offline
Texan goes into a New York bar..His cell phone rings.. He says ,bartender "a round of drinks for the house---My wife just gave birth to a 22 pound boy!!!!! 2 weeks later Texan goes into bar ..Bartender says "How much does your baby weigh now after 2 weeks?? Texan says 15 pounds.. Bartender says Whats Wrong?? Texan says nothing----Had him "circumsized" !!!!!!

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