Portofino Resort- Now with a new BEACH BAR!!
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#145551 - 10/11/02 07:32 AM Hahaha!
Sandshaker Offline
While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 10 mph over), I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge.

The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?"

I replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I responded, "I'm a rectum stretcher."

The cop said, "What.....a rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum stretcher do?"

I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work until I can get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."

The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"

I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge..."

The ticket -- $95 dollars.

The look on his face, PRICELESS


#145552 - 10/11/02 09:05 AM Re: Hahaha!
Sandshaker Offline
Rules for Cats to Live By

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not
necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door
open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws.
Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.
After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand
halfway in and out and think about several things.
This is particularly important during very cold
weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If
you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If
there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing
up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as
long as a humans bare foot.

HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some
activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy
one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as

Following are the rules for "hampering:"

1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left
heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby
stand a better chance of being stepped on and then
picked up and comforted.

2) For book readers, get in close under the chin,
between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the
book itself.

3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most
appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the
work as possible or at least. Pretend to doze, but
every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.

4) For people paying bills or working on income taxes
or Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper!
First, sit on the paper being worked on. When
dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table.
When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the
papers, scattering them to the best of your ability.
After being removed for the second time, push pens,
pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of
him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper.
Humans love to jump.

6) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk,
walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen
and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering
typing in progress.

As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as
possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs,
when they have something in their arms, in the dark,
and when they first get up in the morning. This will
help their coordination skills.

Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot
move around.

When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much
litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the
feel of kitty litter between their toes.

Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans
cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four
hours under any circumstances. This will cause the
humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you
have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the
humans will cover you with love and kisses and you
will probably get a treat.

Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially
their face, turn around, and present your butt to
them. Humans love this, so do it often.

And don't forget guests.

#145553 - 10/11/02 09:11 AM Re: Hahaha!
good morning sandshaker, i didn't know that you knew my cat bob. i just read his biography!!!

#145554 - 10/11/02 09:58 AM Re: Hahaha!
sweetjane Offline
smile thanks, i needed this.

#145555 - 10/11/02 10:04 AM Re: Hahaha!
Bobber Offline
You named your cat bob? Does perversion never end?
Been there, done that, the washing machine ate the T-shirt

#145556 - 10/11/02 11:27 AM Re: Hahaha!
Gela Offline
In loving memory of my cat Rhapsody, she did every one of those things! I miss her so.
Gela's AC Motto: "All Roads Used to Lead to BC's" frown

#145557 - 10/11/02 11:41 AM Re: Hahaha!
bobber, bob the cat or as i call him "my bobcat" was born with a nubbed off tail - thus the name bob. he is all white and tips the scales at close to 20 lbs. i would not part with him for a million dollars. he will steal fish from your stringer or bait from your bucket when you are not looking. i have to mention that because that is his basic activity. otherwise i can say that he is a good napper with a healthy appetite.

#145558 - 10/11/02 01:09 PM Re: Hahaha!
Dr Buzzard Offline
My cat Rover enjoyed this thread. She's walkinsm acrosa my keyybaord nowws
Dr Walkabout Buzzard

#145559 - 10/11/02 02:05 PM Re: Hahaha!
munichchick Offline
This is our Cat Coco!!!!!!

#145560 - 10/14/02 04:42 PM Re: Hahaha!
BankerWoman Offline
Gay: Gotcha beat. Bet you thought you had a real porker of a cat at 20 pounds, no? We have two ocicats - Jake who can't tip the scales as far as yours at 19 pounds, 6 ounces and Elwood at 25 pounds, 11 ounces :rolleyes: . Believe me, when these guys jump on your lap, you know you've been jumped on mad . And they do every one of the things listed except the throwing up thing. I consider that a true blessing. (And just so you know, they are BOTH on a serious diet now so we're hoping not to get yelled at by the vet at our next checkup!)

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