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#161513 - 02/26/04 05:53 PM Sam the Clam
Catatonic Motivator Offline
Sam Clam and Ollie Oyster lived in the depths of the ocean. When they both died (from water pollution, by the way), Ollie went to heaven. But sinful Sam went to hell.

Ollie missed his friend. He asked St. Peter for a weekend pass to visit Sam.

"OK," Peter said, "but to be safe, you have to take your wings, robe and harp with you. Don't forget to bring them back."

Ollie agreed, and away he went. He spent the weekend partying in a nightclub that Sam had opened in Hell. On Sunday night he returned to the pearly gates. Peter was there.

"I see you have your wings and robe, but where's the harp?" he asked.

Mortified, Ollie sang, "I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco!"
_________________________
* I Go Pogo *

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#161514 - 02/26/04 06:15 PM Re: Sam the Clam
NYgal Offline
LMAO..... laugh

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#161515 - 02/26/04 11:47 PM Re: Sam the Clam
Catatonic Motivator Offline
So, hey! You gotta' love these musical numbers, eh? Yeah, I know, you just can't get enough of that crooner comedy, ain't that right? So how 'bout them monks, eh!? Musical monks, you say? Well....

It is customary for all the monks in an American monastery to sing the simple word, "Morning!" from their windows each sunrise.

Early one day after several, "Morning!" greetings have been sung melodiously into the dawn air, a single greeting of, "Evening!" rings out of one window.

In the courtyard below, Brother Timothy looks around startled, and says "Did you hear that, Brother Edward?"

"Hear what, Brother Timothy?" replied Brother Edward.

Brother Timothy sang in reply: "Someone chanted evening..."

Ooooooh...I got a zillion of 'em... smile
_________________________
* I Go Pogo *

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#161516 - 02/27/04 04:39 AM Re: Sam the Clam
NYgal Offline
Keep em coming, they're refreshingly funny smile

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#161517 - 02/27/04 02:36 PM Re: Sam the Clam
dogmatic prevaricator Offline
More "pun"ishment.

A guy goes into his dentist's office because of problems with his dentures. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has corroded! What on earth have you been eating?"

"Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it... Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor, I'm talkin' DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting it on everything... meat, fish, toast, vegetables... you name it!"

"That's probabably it," replied the dentist "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as thought I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time."

"Why chrome?" the man asked.

"Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
_________________________
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

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#161518 - 02/27/04 02:45 PM Re: Sam the Clam
dogmatic prevaricator Offline
And for you geometry buffs..........

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
_________________________
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

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#161519 - 02/27/04 05:40 PM Re: Sam the Clam
Now Danny Offline
Ever hear of cataract of the rectum? That's when you can't see your as*
going to work.

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#161520 - 02/27/04 06:49 PM Re: Sam the Clam
Catatonic Motivator Offline
You know, we could just make this the "official" joke thread--make 'em easy to locate and redistrubute, eh? wink

We had a little excitment when I was down in Key West last week. A drug smuggler's boat was sighted and chased through the Marquesas by the Coast Guard.

The smugglers dumped all their pot overboard in an attempt to avoid prosecution, and it washed up on an small island populated mainly by sea birds.

In a couple of days there wasn't a tern unstoned.

Shall we open it up to more than just puns, just for fun?
_________________________
* I Go Pogo *

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#161521 - 02/27/04 07:11 PM Re: Sam the Clam
GAY AND DAVID Offline
The husband had finished his book, "Man Of The House,"
>by the time he reached home.
>He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a
>finger in her face, he said,
>"From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my
>word is law!
>
> I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
>eating my
>meal,I expect a scrumptuous dessert afterwards.
>Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
>And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb
>my hair?"
> "The damn funeral director," said his wife.
>

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#161522 - 02/27/04 07:13 PM Re: Sam the Clam
GAY AND DAVID Offline
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
>> >sweatshirt.
>> >Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to
>> >me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
>> >"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
>> >He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
>> >And they say blondes are dumb...

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