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#166588 - 09/16/04 09:53 AM Joke Thread
ChrisW Offline
Selling war insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:

"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?

#166589 - 09/16/04 01:18 PM Re: Joke Thread
Now Danny Offline
It's probably no joke. :p

#166590 - 09/16/04 03:27 PM Re: Joke Thread
MALIBU Offline
So here is a joke:

A pompous minister was seated next to a TEXAN on a
flight to Dallas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The TEXAN asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would
like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The TEXAN looked at the minister, then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't
know we had a choice."

Tee He He

#166591 - 09/16/04 04:20 PM Re: Joke Thread
ronmyway Offline
(Modified to fit this audience)

A Pirate Over 40 walks into a bar in
San Pedro, orders three Belikins and sits at the bar, drinking out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he orders three more. The bartender (probably Ernie) approaches and tells Pirate, "You know, a Belikin gets warm after I serve it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Pirate Over 40 replies, "Aaargh!!! Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in San Pedro. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Pirate becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three Belikins and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders only two Belikins, and sits outside on the beach. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." Pirate looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined our neighbor's church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though......

#166592 - 09/16/04 04:31 PM Re: Joke Thread
CrackerLarry Offline
That reminds me of another......

An Atlanta stockbrocker got sick of the big city and decided to sell out and buy a ranch in TEXAS.

So a month or so goes by, he's out in his corral one day and a real genuine cowboy comes riding up on a horse. He introduces himself as the owner of the next spread down the valley and says he's havin a party Saturday nite and is extending an invitation.

The Atlanta broker says, sure, he'll come. Thanks.

The cowboy says, I gotta warn ya now, here in TEXAS our parties get a little wild.

No problem says Atlanta. We get wild in Georgia.

Sometimes we do a little drinkin, says the cowboy.

No problem says Atlanta. I can drink with the best of em.

Sometimes we do a little fightin too, says the cowboy.

No problem says Atlanta, we know how to fight in Georgia.

Sometimes we even have a little sex, says the cowboy.

Great! says Atlanta, I been out here a month doing without. What should I wear?

Cowboy says, It don't really matter, it'll just be the two of us.

#166593 - 09/16/04 04:39 PM Re: Joke Thread
MALIBU Offline
"This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR)interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended. You've gotta love the Marines !!!"

#166594 - 09/16/04 07:42 PM Re: Joke Thread
ronmyway Offline
At the local pub, John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest o' me life......between the legs o' me beautiful wife."
For that he won the prize for the best toast of the night.He went home and told his wife. She said, "Aye, what was the toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest o' me life.....sitting in church right next to me wife."
She was impressed and surprised.
The next day she ran into one of John's buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled and said, "John won the prize last night for a toast about
you." She said, "Aye, I was a bit surprised me self. You know, he's only
been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him
by the ears to make him come!"

#166595 - 09/17/04 06:54 AM Re: Joke Thread
USNA73 Offline
Ernie and Denny are bungee-jumping one day.

Ernie says to Denny, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Belize." Denny thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to a town in Belize and begin to set up in the middle of the town square. As they are constructing the tower a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly more and more people gather to watch them work. When they had finished they looked down and realized this is a huge crowd. They are imagining all the money they will make from this trip.

Denny says to Ernie, "Man this was a great idea. Look at that crowd. We're gonna be rich!" Ernie agrees and says, "What do you think we should do to get them excited and ready to come up here and jump?" "How about we give them a demonstration?" says Denny. Ernie agrees and after a short discussion they agree since it was Ernie's money making idea he should have the pleasure of introducing Bungee-Jumping to the crowd. He secures the rope to his safety belt, makes sure everything else is in place. He steps onto the platform, turns to Denny smiles and says, "Here's our first step towards retirement." As he leaps Denny yells, "Go for it man!"

Ernie bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Denny notices that he has few cuts and scratches. Denny reaches out to grab him, unfortunately, he isn't able to catch him, and Ernie falls again. He bounces up and comes back up again. This time he is bruised and bleeding. Again Denny reaches out to grab, but misses him. Ernie falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up. He's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily Denny catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" Barely able to speak, Ernie gasps,

"No, the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd.........


#166596 - 09/17/04 08:49 AM Re: Joke Thread
Denny Shane Offline
laugh.... I'm glad Ernie was the one jumping... laugh eek

#166597 - 09/17/04 09:30 AM Re: Joke Thread
Kathy F. Offline
Ernie and Denny went hunting and got lost. Ernie said to Denny "I heard that if you get lost you should fire a shot in the air and someone will come and rescue you". So Denny fires a shot in the air and they wait...and wait... Nobody comes. Finally Ernie said he doesn't think anyone is going to come and maybe they should fire another shot in the air. Dennny said "I would, but that was my last arrow". :p

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