There was an old country preacher who had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought along the line of choosing a profession. Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do- and he didn't seem overly concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. What he did was, he went into the boy's room and placed on his study table these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey...

"Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up. If he picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be o.k. too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard - a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be."

The old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he heard his son's footsteps as he came in the house whistling and headed back to his room. He deposited his books on the bed, as a matter of routine, and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. What he finally did was, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink...

"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "He's gonna be a politician!"

The Twins

A woman, who was pregnant with twins, got into a car accident and went into a coma... She was rushed to the hospital where doctors delivered her twins to save them. But as she was in a coma and her husband was overseas on business, her brother was the only one present to name her children.

When she came out of the coma, hours after arriving at the hospital and found out that her brother had named the twins, she was very worried. Her brother was not very bright, and she didn't think he would have done a very good job of choosing her kids' names.

When he came in to see her she asked, "So what names did you choose for my children?"

He replied, "The first born was a girl."

"Oh," started the woman, "and what did you name her??"

"Denise," answered her brother.

The woman was very surprised, and very pleased, "Hey, that's not half bad!" She exclaimed to her brother. "And what did you name the second child?" She waited excitedly to hear the name her brother had chosen for the other child.

"Well, the next born was a boy," her brother informed her.

"Yes, and what did you name him??" inquired the woman.

Replied the brother,

"Denephew."

Sisters Marilyn and Helen were traveling through Europe in their car. When they stopped at a traffic light in Transylvania, a tiny little Dracula jumped onto the hood and hissed through the windshield.
Sister Marilyn screamed, "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," said Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switched on the wipers, which knocked Dracula about, but he hung on and continued hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouted.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," said Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turned on the windshield washer. Dracula screamed in agony as the water burned his skin, but still he clung to the wipers, all the while hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouted Sister Marilyn.
"Show him your cross," said Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn.
Then she opened the window and shouted, "Get the f##k off our car!!!"

If Dogs were the teachers, you would learn stuff like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps.
Stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout....run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm, stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want is buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

You sure that's about dogs? I think one of my ex-wives had that in the pre-nup.

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a
better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the
lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

Old Butch

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several
hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten
roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went
into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time
so he bought a set of tinybells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance,
which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill
out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen
he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old
Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would
run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell
in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job
and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered
him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among
the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece
Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly Butch was a politician in the making.. Who else but a
politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly
coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on
the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Nygal....now that's a really good one.

By the WAY where is our PAPASHINE, these days?

PAPASHINE we miss you.

As part of an effort to crack down on terrorist activity within Britain, Prime Minister Tony Blair has instituted a new series of tests that any applicant for British citizenship must pass:

- The ability to express the full range of human emotion by gentle throat clearing.

- The ability to drink a full pint of warm flat beer (non-alcoholic beer is permitted, but in this case two pints must be consumed).

- The ability to complement the cook after consuming a dinner of cold mashed potatoes, cold peas, and cold burnt meat.

- The ability to instinctively know if it's tea first or milk first.

- The ability to praise the French while clearly indicating that since 1066 they've pretty much been a bunch of losers.

- The ability to praise the Americans while clearly indicating that they got lucky that one time in the late 1700's.

- The ability to colour in red those bits of the globe that still should properly belong to Britain (extra credit if the United States is included).

And finally

- The ability to utter the phrase "British Way of Life" without cracking even the hint of a smile.