Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all !!!
2. Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. Dog sweaters. Hello ???, That’s what the fur is for!
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who’s boss here!!! You don’t see me picking up your poop do you ???

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour
surgical procedure. A young, beautiful, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again. "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with your testicles, Sir!!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely...... "A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female....... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open & sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male...... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a letter in his own handwriting to let himknow he was still alive and in the game.

370HSSV-0773H

Kennedy was baffled, so he mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled back with this reply:
"Tell the FBI that Kennedy's holding the message upside down"!

Actually that message was for George Bush everyone knows he can't read!...nice try rykat

One way of looking at how our brains handle alcohol...

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakness members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Dear Friends,
>
>My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
>something akin to "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt
>you will see this true story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near
>future.
>
>Here goes.
>Last weekend I spied something at the pawn shop that tickled my fancy.
>(Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled.) I bought
>something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary
>and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.
>
>What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with
>a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
>less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate
>an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity
>while you
>flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no
>long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate
>time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb
>tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a
>slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek.
>If you've
>never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out
>-
>way too cool!
>
>Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
>AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so
>disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'
>directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would
>not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire
>for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed
>it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity
>darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward
>to. I did so Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud
>pop!!! Yipeeeeee. I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I
>have yet to explain to her what that burn spot is on the face of her
>microwave.
>
>Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
>couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
>There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little
>soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and
>thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
>target. I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a
>second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet pup, after all.
>But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
>against a mugger, I
>did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
>Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.
>
>So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
>glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
>hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
>would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
>supposed to cause muscle
>spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
>purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
>water.
>
>All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5"
>long, less than ¾ inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded
>with two itsy bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin'
>way!" Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What
>happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
>
>Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
>followed I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with her head
>cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a
>one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that
>bad. (Sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you
>agree?)
>
>I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.
>(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty.
>It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though
>it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)
>
>I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
>*********!!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the
>front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on
>the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in
>the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
>soaking wet,
>With my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. The dog
>was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my
>face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
>(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note
>of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
>yourself.
>You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
>hand by violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you
>won't dislodge one of the prongs ¼" deep in your thigh like yours
>truly.)
>
>SON-OF-A-BISQUIT-EATER that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure,
>as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what
>little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading
>glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there???
>My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face
>felt like it had
>been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or
>take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my
>testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round,
>rather large. Miss 'em ......sure would like to get 'em back.

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing
only underwear made of Saran Wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see
you're nuts."

ckocian that has to be the funniest story I have ever read..you are the winner!!!!

SALUTE ! That is funny. Reminds me of the time I .................