|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 2,366
|
|
I used to play Santa Claus for a community center when I lived in Northern Ca. One evening a little boy asked me " is Jesus really your brother".
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 1,444
|
|
The gender of computers
Is your computer male or female? As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes", or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!") and hurricanes used to be given only feminine names.
Recently, a group of computer students (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you". Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
However, another group of computer students (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow: Five reasons to believe computers are male: They have a lot of data, but are still clueless. They are supposed to help you solve problems,but half the time they are the problem. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night
I've already told you more than I know.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 865
|
|
New Living Will Form
I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
______a bloody mary
______a margarita
______a scotch and soda
______a martini
______a vodka and tonic
______a shot of tequila
______a cold beer
______a steak
______lobster or crab legs
______the remote control
______a bowl of ice cream
______the sports page
______chocolate
______sex
it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.
Signature: ___________________________
Date: _____________________
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 865
|
|
A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself for turning him away!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" Comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" Asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" Replies the drunk.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 2,366
|
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 2,364
|
OP
|
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1987. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws!
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet? (Sorry) Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list, or anyone who needs a laugh . Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading.
Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate .
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 326
|
|
Okay, this is how bad it is. I went to school with Judith Resnick, Challenger astronaut. We graduated together. (She was a whole lot smarter than I was!) I work with a kid who reminds me exactly of Tatoo. For those of a younger generation "de Plane" guy.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 865
|
|
A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman
perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there good
looking, how's it going?"
She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says,
"Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it
doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just
flat out love it."
He says, "No kidding? I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"
|
|
|
|
Anonymous
|
Anonymous
|
Some days that's us!
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 1,337
|
|
The Pearly Gates
St Peter looked up and over 5000 folks from New Orleans were converging on the Pearly Gates. Never having had more than one or two persons a day from New Orleans before, he ran to God and asked him what to do. God told him, "Don't worry, St Peter. There's been a terrible flood in New Orleans. That's the reason for the large number of New Orleanians showing up at once."
St Peter ran back to the Pearly Gates and then ran right back to God yelling, "They're gone, they're gone!" God said calmly, "St Peter, those 5000 people from New Orleans could not be gone that quickly." St Peter said, "No, the Pearly Gates! They're gone!"
|
|
|
S |
M |
T |
W |
T |
F |
S |
|
|
|
|
|
1
|
2
|
3
|
4
|
5
|
6
|
7
|
8
|
9
|
10
|
11
|
12
|
13
|
14
|
15
|
16
|
17
|
18
|
19
|
20
|
21
|
22
|
23
|
24
|
25
|
26
|
27
|
28
|
29
|
30
|
31
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
0 members (),
289
guests, and
0
robots. |
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
Forums44
Topics79,199
Posts500,011
Members20,460
|
Most Online7,413 Nov 7th, 2021
|
|
|
|