San Francisco Chronicle
Immigration solution -- invade Mexico!
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Here is a modest proposal for solving the illegal immigration issue once and for all: Invade and occupy Mexico and admit it into the Union as the 51st state. That way, we can put an immediate end to all of the political hand-wringing on this pressing and volatile issue. Before you dismiss this idea as reckless, consider that there's something in this plan for every American, regardless of their political stripe.
For you Democrats, you'll receive millions of new members to your party. The median age of Mexico is about 25, and with its population right around 100 million, you'd likely gain about 50 million new members for your party. That's in addition to the 11 million Mexican citizens residing here illegally. So let's call it at just more than 60 million new Democrats.
"How," you ask? Because this invasion will be led and executed by the most hated man in America, George W. Bush. Voting-age Mexicans, once they're U.S. citizens, wouldn't dare register Republican, especially after experiencing a war that's executed by the Bush, Condoleezza Rice and Donald Rumsfeld team.
Plus, with this invasion, Democrats will get a chance to look good on some issues important to American voters. First, by supporting this invasion, they'll look tough on defense, a key issue in the battleground states. Mexico is, after all, implicitly supporting an invasion of the United States by allowing its citizens to cross the border without proper documentation. It's time to return integrity to our borders and invade back -- with our military.
Second, this invasion gives Democrats a chance to enhance their standing with environmentalists, big supporters of the American left. Mexico is an environmental hazard; by incorporating the country into ours, Democrats will have a chance to clean up Mexico's water and air.
Third, Democrats claim that they're the party for the little guy. With this invasion, they'll receive an opportunity to welcome Mexico's poor not as illegal immigrants -- but as U.S. citizens.
Fourth, not only will these new citizens be paying into Social Security but they'll also collect from it, once they reach retirement age. With millions of new workers registered for Social Security, the Democrats will be in a stronger position to continue to foil President Bush's attempts to reform the system. Finally, all of these new citizens will be paid at least minimum wage, raising their standard of living, plus giving Democrats a chance to recruit more marchers for any future protests on behalf of the "living wage" issue. Any way you look at it, the issue of illegal immigration is solved and the Democrats stand a good chance of reaping many benefits.
For you Republicans, here's what's in this plan for you, tentatively called Operation Free Mexico: A new and better war. Unlike the one in Iraq, where they don't want us, there's a good chance our Armed Forces will receive a hero's welcome once they cross the Rio Grande. Of course, this plan would require that we pull the troops out of Iraq -- something Democrats can rally around -- but that's easy enough. Rumsfeld can declare victory and after we've left, and Iraq goes to hell in a hand basket, we can fire him for, once again, misleading the American public. U.S. Sen. John McCain can replace him, enhancing his standing as a top contender for the Republican presidential nod in 2008.
Right now, the United States and Mexico share a border that's about 1,900 miles long. But once our new neighbors to the south are Guatemala and Belize, our southern border will have been cut to just over 750 miles. We certainly won't need as many Border Patrol officers to cover such a small boundary. Thus, once the war with Mexico is concluded, Republicans will be able to press for cuts in federal spending.
Plus, the Republicans need a chance to look compassionate. By invading and incorporating Mexico into the United States, they'll have a chance to look sensitive to the plight of Mexico's downtrodden by offering them citizenship in a far better country. They can also force them to learn English.
Is this a preposterous idea? Perhaps. But, tell me, are the plans being bandied about by either party going to bring illegal immigration to an end? Doubtful. Come to think of it, I'm surprised no one has proposed an invasion of Mexico before.
Douglas Page is an aspiring voiceover actor.