Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.
As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication
is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m . Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you
suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with wine and topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls and chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I
need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black and blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is
getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin b, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later then Wednesday 3p.m. (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan
the drunk one

P.S. Things that are difficult to say when drunk:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

Things that are very difficult to say when drunk:
1. Specifically
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

Things that are downright impossible to say when drunk:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're really not my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing!

Big Smile....

WOW That was good.I quit drinking 5 years ago and the hangovers stopped at the same time,IMAGINE THAT--I found that those who say they never have a hangover ( me ) have never really known how good a person can feel at 7 AM--I now have lots more money to spend on other things and feel great every morning.Thanks for sharing SIN

There's 2 ways to not get a hangover.....don't drink or don't stop.

Frankly, I'm mad as hell about the hangovers. It seems far too high a price to pay.

That said, Scuba do, even on regular days, I don't feel all that great at 7 am. Lots of days, I might just as well have been drunk the night before. At least then, there'd be an excuse for feeling so lousy.

And thanks, SIN, I've passed on your note to others that will appreciate it.

Having buried 3 very drunk siblings before they hit 50 and both parents before 70 for the same reason,I am not fond of the bottle. At the funeral of alchol victim #5 I got to watch one of my remaining brothers stand at the casket and chug whisky and drop the bottle into the casket. I know most people can handle a few drinks, but in some families there is no such thing as a few. Got 2 more funerals to go to unless they crawl out of the bottle soon. Sorry guess I needed to unload this.

Oh my goodness, indygal... that must have been horrible
I am watching 2 of mine as well.

indygal, very sorry for your experience. I truly believe that these tendencies are some how in the family genes.

Indy, I have gone through the same experience with my former husband, who died at age 43. A horrible thing to watch and go through. Something I probably never will quite get past.

It is medically established that alcoholism is hereditary, along with several other factors. Sometimes it skips generations. The only cure is abstinence. The alternatives are death or insanity, or both.

Indygal, I, too have seen what alcohol can do to families. I've watched my brother pour budwiser on his cherrios in the morning. My dad, and all of his siblings were alcoholics. It is up to us to maintain, and know that we would be prone to an addictive lifestyle if we didnt stay on guard. It doesn't have to be alcohol, either. My niece is a heroin addict, and I can see the addiction happening to others in our family. Please know that you are NOT alone, and we are your friends, if you ever need someone to talk to, we will be here for you, and will understand.
Hugs, from one to another!
Suz