Portofino Resort- Now with a new BEACH BAR!!
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#214962 - 12/06/06 09:45 PM Pet Rules
Amanda Syme Offline
PET RULES

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

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#214963 - 12/06/06 09:52 PM Re: Pet Rules [Re: Amanda Syme]
SimonB Offline
grin

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#214967 - 12/06/06 09:55 PM Re: Pet Rules [Re: Amanda Syme]
Nova Offline
Thanks Amanda - have to post the bottom part on the top of the fridge to remind hubby...LOL
_________________________
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!

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#214980 - 12/06/06 10:44 PM Re: Pet Rules [Re: Nova]
sweetjane Offline
ha! i got this last month from sandshaker! read it to my kids!

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#214999 - 12/06/06 11:19 PM Re: Pet Rules [Re: sweetjane]
GAY AND DAVID Offline
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog....

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up....
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell....
3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar....
4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'....
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff....
6. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet....
7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello"....
8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table....
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after....
10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt....
11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch....
12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing....

P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back????

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#215014 - 12/06/06 11:54 PM Re: Pet Rules [Re: GAY AND DAVID]
Nova Offline
Where Do Pets Come From?
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him "DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

_________________________
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!

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