After an evening of dancing,drinking and passion a man woke up next to his date.

He looked at a picture of a handsome young man on the night stand.

A bit worried he asked her.."Is that your boyfriend or husband?"

"No" she whispered while biting his earlobe.

"Your brother?"

"No silly", as she kissed the nape of his neck playfully.

"Well then who IS that?" he asked confused and concerned.

"Oh, darling...thats ME...right before the operation..."

yer I know..bad taste..black humor


I was gonna post this on a differnat thread regarding crocs..but maybe more suitable here. True stories btw

"over heard when I lived in Fla...Woman is distraught when an aligator ate her poodle...over heard the cop saying " at least we get no more complaints about it barking all day"

A Buddy gets his foot blown off in action, awaiting medivac he asks the medic about his leg..medic replies " the good news is your now officially foot loose and fancy free" the casualty starts laughing and says "I should sue the bastards" the medic says" don't bother you haven't a leg to stand on". True story from the Falklands war...

My wife a nurse...had to deal with a guy who didn't make it from surgery, she told me she couldn't stop laughing when body tagging the guy. Apparantly he was a double amputee and no toes for the tag so had to use the next available digit!!!

A Welsh guardsmen was seriouly injured after an exocet attack, he asked the medic how bad it was and the medic told him he had a bad groin wound. The casualty replied it was a good job he had inches to spare.

Real dive stories

A novice member of our dive party was a typical easy target.

a. Boasting about his new dive computer (in those days these were a novelty) telling us how accurate it was etc..ie he had dived 11.7m. How about that for accurracy he said..until we pointed out it was November the 7th.

b. He decides to use a 15ltr steel tank as it will give him more air. He ignores our advise that if wearing a skin and using a steel tank..he won't need weight. So he puts on his 20lb belt and rolls off the rubber duck. We gave him a few mins before we went down to lift him off his back at 10m..even his jacket couldn't move him off the bottom.

c. He ignores advise about tucking in his guages and octopus before rolling off a rubber duck. Left him hanging upside down hooked up on the lanyard for a few mins as a lesson while we creased up laughing. At least he put his reg in his mouth..lol

d. Ice diving in Germany, spend 2 hours cutting a hole in the ice with axes... we are 4 instructors, all roped up and ready to go. The hole is a masterpiece, 6foot wide, we all jump..straight into thigh deep water. Its what happens when you cut a hole in the ice over the only sand bank in the lake.

e. Diving the An-An wreck off Jeddah, deco on the prow and see one of the dive boat crew spear fishing above us. We see a Tiger shark looking interested in the guys fish belt..luckily so does the crew man so he unhooks the belt and for what ever reason panics and seeing us sitting at 6m dives back down to us and hands the belt to my buddy who promptly hooked it back on to the guys trailing spear gun as he swam off as fast as possible. No damage..but the crew mans pants were messy...lol

f. Buddy collapses drunk on the beach on a remote desert coast..out cold. Along the beach comes a camel herd so a trail of bread buns is laid, the last one is placed on buddies groin. With cameras ready.. for some reason he awakens just in time to see a very pregnant camel about to munch on his nether regions. You have never seen a drunk move so fast.

g.Buddy decides he is gonna use his tent...he's nuts, it's 100% humidity, 130+F..he will cook. We collect a box of ghost crabs, throw em in the tent and tie the zip off with a tie wrap...last seen rolling down the beach in a tent screaming...:)

f....and finally...on the belizean mainland inthe 80's....rent a small boat from a local..load the bottles and gear, jump in...and sink about 50m later. Local has done a runner and to add to injury..we had to pay for the boat...it wasn't even the locals too rent..lol

If it wasn't for humor we'd all die of depression.

These are the only ten times in history the "F" word has been acceptable for use...

10. "What the @#$% was that?"
-Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-Custer, 1876
8. "Ay @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-Picasso, 1926
6. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*ing mad."
-Saddam Hussain, 2003
5. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-Pythagorus, 126 BC
4. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
- Michelangelo,1566
3. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-Amelia Earhart, 1937
2. "Scattered @#$%ing showers.... my ass!"
-Noah, 4314 BC


And . . . drum roll . . . . .


1. "Aw c'mon, Monica, Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-Bill Clinton, 1999

ACTUAL COMMENTS .......
>
> >>A Colonoscopy is no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
> >>humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments
> >>made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
> >>colonoscopy:
> >>
> >>
> >> 1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
> >>
> >> 2. "Did you Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
> >>
> >> 3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
> >>
> >> 4.. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? ARE WE THERE YET ?"
> >>
> >> 5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
> >>
> >>6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
> >>
> >> 7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
> >>
> >> 8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
> >>
> >>9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
> >>
> >>10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.."
> >>
> >>11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
>
> >> And the best one of all..
> >>
> >>12. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that you didn't find my
> >>head up there?" [color:#FF0000]
> >>[/color]

Two Ways of Looking at Things


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."


"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?

So you see, there really are 2 ways to look at everything!

A young guy from Mississippi moves to Florida and goes to a big
"everything
under one roof" department store looking for
a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says
"Yeah. I
was a salesman back in Mississippi "

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.
I'll
come down after we close and see how you
did.

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
store
was locked up, the boss came down. "How many
customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says "one".

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a
day.
How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$121,237.65".

The boss says "$121,237.65? What the hell did you sell?"

The kid says, First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a
medium
fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going
fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him
he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and
I
sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he
said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down
to
the automotive department and sold him that 4
x 4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and
I
said, "Dude, your weekend's shot, you should
go fishing."

hahaha. He should run for office.

Hmmm I wonder if that would work for me,not wife would buy a Hummer to run me over.