Just in! Elin Woods has been asked to join the LPGA! Because never in the history of the LPGA has a woman made so much money with one swing of a nine iron!

games people play

http://www.break.com/games/tiger-woods-wife-outrun.html
http://www.addictinggames.com/tigerparkingslam.html

ROFLMAO!! This HAS to be read!!! I'm still laughing....
found on Craigs list!

What I want:
A man that is employed full time (and for more than 2 years in the same place, preferably in the 6 digit range… as you will be taking me shopping and not to Target, Walmart or the local Goodwill store). Good looking (and not what your wife/ex-wife, girlfriend/ex-girlfriend ,guy friend/ JO buddy/ dog or anything else past the single cell stage that can form an opinion may think of you) I want GQ to be calling you-good looking. You must like traveling (and not down to the local bar/ strip club/ next town/next state) When I say travel, I am talking about traveling to a place that you will have to carry (a dictionary, a guide, a bible, a prayer, money for bribes) I would like you to possess ( a passport, sense of humor, sense of direction, guns & ammo, a crucifix & a picture of your momma) You should NOT be younger than 45 and older than 55…. I don’t want to be a momma to younger boys and I don’t have time to play nurse maid to older guys. You must be tough, ready for a challenge and willing to take on what may come your way (all the previous mentioned will be coming from me) Outside interests MUST include fishing (deep sea, bass, cane pole, noodling and drunk), skiing (water and snow) snowmobiling, hiking (and I’m not talking along the tulip path at the botanical gardens) camping (no that will not be at Motel 6 with a black and white TV) and any other sport that I might deem quality time.
What I will NOT stand for:
Cheaters (on me, on income taxes, at cards if I’m playing) Liars, abusers (on me, other women, kids, older people) drug users (illegal or hooked on legal) bad attitudes, bad hair, bad breath or bad luck.
Deal Breakers:
Having wives/ex-wives/girlfriends/ex-girlfriends/ex-lays/ or anything current or ex – remaining in your life. If you were not man enough to call it off/quit/finish then you are NOT man enough to hang with me. Picking you teeth, nose, my nose or your crotch in public. Being rude to waiters/waitresses/ or any other servant is not worthy of another date with me.
What you will receive in return (providing you pass the VD, HIV, AIDS, MENSA, MCAT, SAT, my best friend and any other test I can throw your way)
You will get: The most honest, hard-working, loveable, funny(duh) loyal, adventurous, free-spirited, hard loving, intelligent (I got you to read to the end of this didn’t I???) living-out-loud, woman/lady/lover/friend/confidant that you will ever meet in your life.
What say you?

You will have to take a number and stand in line

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around,

looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear

as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.




'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, and then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'


Jesus

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's, Home Depot, or Sams customers. This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out
shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite
traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you
or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car
as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start
wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts
almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to
look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and
instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start
undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and
starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,17th,
20th, 24th, & 29th. Also August 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th,
20th, 21st,23rd, 24th, and 30th three times last Monday and very
likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take
advantage of older men.

Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for
$1.99 at K- Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat
at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth
to Lowe's, Home Depot, and Costco.

I never knew this before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'


IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing!!!

HA!

1. Box Donation

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'


2. Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'


3. Looks of Disappointment

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because insted of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'



4. Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?


5. Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'


6. Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'


7. Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'


8. Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten
to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'


9. Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..

'Who are you?' he asked him..

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..


***********************

Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions."

Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home!"

She sat down, red-faced.

"Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin.

"The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan.

"Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you going to be very disappointed someday!"