The newest list of the worlds shortest books. Just released.


THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY

by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.

Illustrated by Michael Moore

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MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &

HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA

by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton

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THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton

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Sequel:

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY

By Bill Clinton

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MY LITTLE BOOK OF

PERSONAL HYGIENE

by Osama Bin Laden

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THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD

by Bill Gates

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THINGS I WOULD NOT

DO FOR MONEY

by Dennis Rodman

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THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE

by Al Gore & John Kerry

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AMELIA EARHART'S

GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

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A COLLECTION of

MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

by Dr. J Kevorkian

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ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE

by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel

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GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

by Mike Tyson

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THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

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MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS

by O.J. Simpson

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HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES

by Ted Kennedy

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MY BOOK OF MORALS

by Bill Clinton

with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson

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AND, JUST ADDED:

Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!

By Nancy Pelosi

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The UPS guy - what can brown do for you?


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't do his laundry,
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
So I turned around and smacked him
Like his mother used to do.

LOLOLOLOL Good one Hon!!!

LAWYERS SHOULD NEVER ASK A PUERTO RICAN GRANDMA A QUESTION IF THEY AREN'T PREPARED FOR THE ANSWER.

DURING A TRIAL IN A SMALL TOWN IN PUERTO RICO , THE PROSECUTING ATTORNEY CALLED HIS FIRST WITNESS, AN ELDERLY PUERTO RICAN ABUELITA TO THE STAND.

HE APPROACHED HER AND ASKED, "SENORA SANCHEZ, DO YOU KNOW ME?"

SHE RESPONDED, "SI, I KNOW YOU MR. WILLIAMS. I KNOW YOU SINCE YOU WERE A MOCOSO PENDEJO, AND FRANKLY YOU'VE BEEN A BIG DISAPPOINTMENT TO ME, TO YOUR FAMILY AND TO YOUR COMMUNITY. YOU LIE, YOU CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE, AND YOU MANIPULATE PEOPLE, AND YOU THINK YOU'RE A BIG SHOT WHEN YOU ARE NADA, PURA BASURA. YES, I KNOW YOU BABOSO."

THE LAWYER WAS STUNNED, NOT KNOWING WHAT ELSE TO DO, HE POINTED ACROSS THE ROOM AND ASKED, MRS. SANCHEZ, "DO YOU KNOW THE DEFENSE ATTORNEY?"

AGAIN SHE REPLIED, "CLARO QUE SI. I'VE KNOWN MR. RODRIGUEZ SINCE HE WAS A MOCOSO TRAVIESO TOO. HE'S A LAZY PUTO, AND HE HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM. HE CAN'T KEEP A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP WITH NOBODY, AND HE IS THE MOST PENDEJO LAWYER IN THE STATE. NOT TO MENTION HE CHEATED ON HIS WIFE WITH THREE DIFFERENT PUTAS. ONE OF THEM WAS YOUR WIFE! YOU REMEMBER?
I KNOW MR. RODRIGUEZ; HIS MAMA IS NOT PROUD OF HIM TAMBIEN." THE DEFENSE ATTORNEY ALMOST DIED.

THE JUDGE THEN ASKED BOTH COUNSELORS TO APPROACH THE BENCH, AND IN A VERY QUIET DEADLY CALM VOICE SAID, "IF EITHER OF YOU CABRONES ASKS HER IF SHE KNOWS ME, I'LL SEND YOU BOTH TO THE ELECTRIC CHAIR.

Basic Mathematics:

To My Dear Wife:
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please do not be upset - I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?

It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome.

So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.

So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?

Craig wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Office Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Craig had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Craig sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Craig asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M. , drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the bathroom door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"


His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99 Hot Breakfast $4.20 Two Aspirins $.38 Saying the right thing, at the right time ... PRICELESS

There was a girly lobster and a manly lobster who went to Central Park Beach. It was really hot and the girly lobster asked her man to get her an ice cream from MannellyS. While on his way back to the Beach he ate his ice cream. Then when he was in front of Big Daddies her ice cream started to melt all over his darned claw! He decided to eat hers too so it wouldn't make a mess. When he finally settled down in front of the statue of the manatee where his little lady was - she asked where her ice cream was. When he told her he had eaten it - she was disgusted and said - "You SHELLFISH bastard!"

WHY THE ENGLISH WORE RED COATS

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.
During one battle, the French captured an English colonel.
They took him to their headquarters, and the French general began to question him.

Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats?
Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the officer informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is if they are shot the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown pants.