A man goes out and buys the best car available anywhere, a 2008 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?".

The dude replies "A 2008 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000."

"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure" replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast!

The guy wonders, "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeep?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.

Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!

WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!"

LOL....Chuckle chuckle...Too funny!

During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. Try as she might, she couldn't get it to run. After trying fruitlessly for over three days, she decided to seek help.

She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that somThe Young Blonde and the Sea
eone there could identify her problem. Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat.

So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems, and there he found one. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.

UPS Aircraft Maintenance
"Gripe Sheets"

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then
pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be
said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual
maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and
the
solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an
accident.

: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

: Something loose in cockpit
: Something tightened in cockpit

: Dead bugs on windshield.
: Live bugs on back-order.

: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent

: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
: Evidence removed.

: DME volume unbelievably loud.
: DME volume set to more believable level.

: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
: That's what friction locks are for.

: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

: Suspected crack in windshield.
: Suspect you're right.

: Number 3 engine missing.
: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

. Aircraft handles funny.
: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

: Target radar hums.
: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

: Mouse in cockpit.
: Cat installed.

And the best one for last...

: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
: Took hammer away from midget

Scenario : Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.
1956 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look a Jack's rifle,
goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail
and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for
traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1956 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake
hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail,
nobody arrested, nobody expelled.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark.
Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jason won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1956 - Jason sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal.
Sits still in class
2007 - Jason given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School
gets extra
money from state because Jason has a disability.


Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives
him a whipping.
1956 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to
college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to
foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state
psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad
goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Hey Elbert - this is called SMILES for the Day. Not roll up the sidewalks and stay at home.

Come on, you can do better than that!

I thought it was pretty funny!

I've never been good at telling jokes,...but you knew that

Scenario: young dogmatic prevaricator takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1956 - Ants die.

2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Young dogmatic charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, parents and grand pappy prevaricator goes on a terror watch list and are never allowed to fly again.