oh thats a good one ,saved that to a file.

Surgeon joke

A very successful plastic surgeon parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in
front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out,
a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the
driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and
pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had
a chance to ask any questions, the doctor started screaming hysterically
about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now
completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard the body
shop tries to make it new again.

After the doctor finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in
disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you doctors are,"
he said.
"You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important
things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the doctor.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It
got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the surgeon.

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"MY ROLEX!"

LOL....LOL....Too Funny...LOL

Sitting Behind Nuns at a Ballgame



SITTING BEHIND A COUPLE OF NUNS AT A BASEBALL GAME
(WHOSE HEAD GEAR PARTIALLY BLOCKED THE VIEW),
THREE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS
IN AN EFFORT TO GET THEM TO MOVE.


IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING

TO MOVE TO UTAH, THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."


THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID,
"I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA, THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."


THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO,
THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE."


ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN,

AND IN A VERY SWEET, CALM, VOICE SAID,
"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL ... THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE."

Get Out Of The Car!!

(This is a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, FL.)

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car,
found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her
shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of
her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like
mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags
into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat. She was so
shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and
tried, and then she realized why. It was the same reason she wondered
why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs of beer in the
front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces
farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police
station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story
couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter,
where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman
described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair
and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Moral of the story?

If you're going to have a Senior Moment, Make it memorable.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.; one from New Jersey , another from Tennessee and the third, from Florida . They go with a White House official to examine the fence.



The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."




The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."




The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700"




The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"




The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."




"Done!" replies the government official.




And that friends, is how it all works!!

I wish that weren't true.

oh so true......

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise
ship holding her hat
on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached
her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend
to be forward, but did you know that your dress is
blowing up in this high
wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both
hands to hold onto this
hat." "But, madam, you must know that your privates
are exposed!" said the
gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then
back up at the man and
replied, "Sir anything you see down there is 85 years
old. I just bought
this hat yesterday!"

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I need your advice.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife is cheating on me.
The usual signs; if my phone rings, I pick it up,and the person on the other end hangs up. My wife has been "going out with the girls" alot recently, although when I ask their names, she always responds,"Just some friends from work; you don't know them."
I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyways, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down, I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night, she went out again, and I really checked on her.
Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf
clubs so that I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from her night out with "the girls."
When she got out of the car, she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, when I noticed
that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the clubhead.

Is this something I can fix myself, or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?

Signed,
Perplexed