oh, they got corners in SP too!!!!! :P :P

Moral of the story... don't bring a skillet to a gun fight!


http://kansas.com/news/updates/story/208835.html

If you are going to a gun fight, take a big gun, take some of your friends who also have big guns.

Divorce Letter

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it..
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me
that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut,
had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk
boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching
all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want
sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're
cheating on me or you don't love me anymore;
whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West
Virginia together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Husband -

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far
cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown
out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID
notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to
mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to
say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment . And when
you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY
SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99
price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that
my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After all
of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I
hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two
tickets to Jamaica .. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said
that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born
Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

My living will and healthcare directive contains the following wording:

If I am unable to differentiate between, and choose by what ever means of communication are available to me, NFL Football over Men’s Ice Skating, (with the exception of NFL Hockey) on television, its time to pull the plug....on me not the TV!!

Of course it’s in upper case, having been written before I "met" Leah Ann

A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town. He's going through his usual run of off-colour and "dumb blonde" jokes, when a well-presented blonde woman in the fourth row stands up and says:

"I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, ********! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a person's hair colour possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being? It is morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential...because you and your anachronistic kind continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs. You are a pathetic relic of the past, and what you do is not only Contrary to Discrimination laws in every civilised country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologise, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this Mister! I'm talking to that little bast*rd on your knee!"

It's in bold, not upper case (!). A great improvement on when it WAS in UPPER CASE.

Here is an old one but one of my all time favorites.

There’s this cowboy who has been practicing being a ventriloquist. One late afternoon, while crossing a rough section of open country he comes across an Indian with a flock of sheep. He pulls up to the Indians small little campfire, dismounts and says “Howdy. Do you mind if I share your fire and bed down for the night?”

The Indian grunts and nods his head. After cooking his dinner and drinking his coffee and being unable to get the Indian into a conversation he decides to have some fun with him. Looking over at the Indians dog he asks “He treating you alright?”

Throwing his voice he makes it sound like the dog answers him, “He’s OK, feeds me all his scraps. Let’s me lick the bacon grease off the pan. Yeah, he treats me good.”

The cowboy nods as the Indian looks amazed. Then the cowboy looks across the fire to the horse. “How about you buddy? Does he treat you good?”

Again, throwing his voice he makes it sound like the horse answers. “Sure! He doesn’t ride me too hard, always brushes me down at the end of the ride. He makes sure I have good grass to graze and sweet water to drink.”

Now the Indian is looking on in amazement. So the cowboy goes over to where the sheep are standing. Before he can say anything the Indian says “Sheep lie!”

Do guys pat one another on the ass in Mens Ice sports?

Perhaps they would, if you ask them nicely

Are you thinking of taking up hockey?