A car gets a flat on the interstate one day.
The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.

It isn't very long before a police car arrives.

The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What's going on here?"

"My car broke down, officer" says the woman calmly.

"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?" he asks.

Helllooooooo!!!!" says the blonde. "Those are my emergency flashers!"

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the f**kin' skippin'.

The Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, consider this:
Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a hotel and sleep for four hours. .

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a
bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He
tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't
worth $350.00! When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the
man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and
then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge
conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.

'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which
the hotel is famous.
'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and
Las Vegas perform here,' the manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the manager replies.

No matter what amenity the manager
mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'

The manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager.

The manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

'But sir,' he says, this check is only made out for $50.00.'

'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300.00
for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you
could have.'

WHY MEN HAVE BETTER FRIENDS

Friendship Between Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship Between Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.

Poster 1 ‘I am sick to death of cleverness. Everybody is clever nowadays. You can't go anywhere without meeting clever people. The thing has become an absolute public nuisance. I wish to goodness we had a few fools left.

Poster 2 ‘We have.

Poster 1 ‘I should extremely like to meet them. What do they talk about?

Poster 2 ‘The fools? Oh! About the clever people, of course.

Poster 1 ‘What fools.


Oscar Wilde

FOOTBALL AND THE BLONDE......
>
> Football FINALLY makes sense..........
>
> A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had
> great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked
> her how she liked the experience.
>
> "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and
> all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were
> killing each other over 25 cents."
>
> Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
>
> "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
> game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
> quarterback!'
>
> I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
>

Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Mc Cain were
flying to a debate.

Barack looked at Hillary, Chuckled and said, 'You know I could throw a

$1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.'

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100
bills
out of the window

and make ten people very happy.'

John added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills

out of the

window and make a hundred people very happy.'



Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his
copilot,
'Such

big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the

window and make 156 million people very happy.'



I'm voting for the Pilot

Butch the Rooster

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers

(hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and

was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and

attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a

distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an

efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on

this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to

investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing

the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd

sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch,

he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the

judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they awarded

him the Pullet surprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how

to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up

on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this year...the bells are not always audible.

Bob - very good