Another day at the Food Court

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was
watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked
hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue; my dad
kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the
teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old
man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke
on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in his classic style
he did not bat an eye in his response.
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

A Mafia Godfather learns that his bookkeeper has embezzled ten million dollars. The bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court. So when the Godfather interrogates the bookkeeper about the missing $10 million, he brings along an attorney who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper, "Where's the 10 million you embezzled from me?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"
The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
Don't ya just love lawyers

A blonde watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 6 Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.

The blonde starts crying and to her husband says, sobbing 'That's horrible."
He says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, asks: "How many is a Brazilian?"

Oh God, I must be blonde....took me a minute! lol

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
She said, 'I have some really great news!'
I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'
She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier for you!'
Then she said, 'There's more'
I asked, What do you mean there's more.
She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!'
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant,
I asked her how she knew. She said....
'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Sam's Club and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!'

Recently, after getting tired of Bush's and Rice's public statements regarding uncertainty Osama was still alive, the White House received a secret, hand written letter from Osama himself. An unnamed spokesman confirmed this.
"Bush did get a personal letter from bin Laden. It arrived in an unmarked envelope and only contained a single line coded message: '370HSSV-0773H'."
Several agencies, including the NSA, FBI, CIA, and top military specialists spent considerable effort trying to decode the message without success. Eventually a low level intern at the Pentagon suggested they turn to the British MI-6, who have many more years of experience in the Middle-East.
Within only a few minutes, the MI-6 cabled the White House with the message, "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Thank you - I needed a laugh today

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Naples, Florida . They turned a corner and see a sign that says, Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents.'
They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?'

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis...Shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please'

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other...
They can't believe their good luck.
They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, 'That's 40 cents, please.'

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.

Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?'

'I'm a retired tailor from Boston ,' the bartender said, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'

Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'

The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all old retired farts from Minnesota. They're waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price.'

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck", the firefighter said with admiration. "Thanks" the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner" the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little girl replied thoughtfully,
"You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE.... LET ME !

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon, she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her and tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.




A great-grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, ''Hi, Grandma. You're looking good! How are they treating you?''

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note...''They won't let me fart.''