DICTIONARY FOR WOMENS PERSONAL ADS:

40 ish = 49
Adventurous = Slept with everyone
Athletic = No T*ts
Average Looking = Ugly
Contagious Smile = Does a lot of Pills
Beautiful = Pathological Liar
Emotionally Secure = On Medication
Feminist = Fat
Free Spirit = Junkie
Friendship First = Formerly Adventurous
Fun = Annoying
New Age = Unshaven
Open Minded = Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate = Sloppy Drunk
Voluptuous = Fat
Large Frame = Very Fat
Wants Soul Mate = Stalker

DICTIONARY FOR MENS PERSONAL ADS

Horny guys seeks woman = Horny guy seeks woman

WOMENS ENGLISH

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
We Need = I Want
I Am Sorry = You'll Be Sorry
We Need To Talk = You Are In Trouble
Sure, Go Ahead = No Sex This Week
Do What You Want = No Sex This Month
No I'm Not Upset = Of Course I'm Upset You Moron
You're Very Attentive Tonight = Is Sex All You Think About?

MENS ENGLISH

I'm Hungry = I'm Hungry
I'm Thirsty = I'm Thirsty
I'm Tired = I'm Tired
Nice Dress = Nice Cleavage
I Love You = Lets Have Sex
I'm Bored = Lets Have Sex
May I Have This Dance = I'd Like to have Sex With You Later
Can I Call You Sometime = Then We Can Have Sex
Do You Want To Go To A Movie = I Can't Dance, But......
Can I Take You To Dinner? = I'm Hungry, but afterwards....
Those Shoes Don't Go With That Dress = Did I Tell You I'm Gay?


AND FINNALY:

Recent studies have shown that women respond to differing male appearances depending on which stage of their menstrual cycle they are on.

When a woman is ovulating she will tend to find a man with rugged features attractive, while when she's menstruating, there is a tendency to prefer men with a pair of scissors stuck in their eye, a baseball bat up their ass then doused in gasoline & set on fire

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?



MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice,
'Mom, what is butt dust?'

When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.



The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.



The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body, while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'



The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.



The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'



The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.



The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.



In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole in administration.

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The thin one leaned over and said, 'Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'

'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd. 'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.'

Too many of these are a little too accurate.


Tool Definitions more appropriate to their use. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted fender which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh ****!"

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are attempting to hit.

MECHANICS KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines , refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling DAMMIT at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
'Human Beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.

A little girl raises her hand.
'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must have been scary', said the teacher.
'It sure was', said the little girl.

'My kitty raised his back, went Ffff 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And
before he could say 'Fvck', the Rottweiler ate him!

The teacher wet her pants laughing...

In England a hammer is known as a Birmingham screwdriver.

An 8 pointer, 4 pointer and a button buck are standing by a field browsing on acorns. 8 pointer says, 'I'm happy with my 10 does, we're really getting along. 4 pointer says, 'I'm happy as heck with my 5, they really take care of me!' Button buck says, 'My two are alright, better than nothing I guess.'

Then all of a sudden a GIANT 25 point non-typical buck walks out into the field. The three bucks had never seen anything like him before, they were in awe. The big buck made a huge scrape and pissed in it, rubbed a phone pole and snapped it off at the ground!

The three bucks looked on in amazement. 8 pointer says, 'I could probably get by with 4 does... Who really needs 10 anyways? 4 pointer says, 'You know... come to think of it, I could only really use one or two of mine!' The button buck was silent; the other two bucks look over to him in confusion.

Suddenly the yearling runs out into the middle of the field! He rips and tears up some grass... pisses all over the place, snorts & wheezes, rubs his head raw on a tree and chews a lickin branch clean off! Then he runs back over to his two buddies.

His friends immediately jump him, 'What the hell are you doing!?' 'I'm just makin' sure that big sumbitch knows I'm a buck!

PEEING IN THE BUSHES

A little old lady is walking down the street,
dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while
a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her.
'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that
bag...'

'Damn!' says the little old lady ...
'I'd better go back and see if I can find some of
them. Thanks for the warning!'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the
cop. 'How did you get all that money? Did you steal
it?'
'Oh, no', says the little old lady.
'You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of
the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot
of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower
beds!' So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big
hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie
through the bushes, I yell: '$20 or off it
comes!''
'Hey, not a bad idea!' laughs the
cop. 'Good luck! By the way, what's in the other
bag?'
'Well', says the little old lady,
'Not all of them pay.