I used to sow wild Oats now it is Prunes and All bran

Forget Health Foods,I need all the preservatives I can get.

"ANATOMY OF A HOT DOG"

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA and are taking a walking tour of New York City. One says to the other, "Och, I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically the Mother Superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.
Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."
The Mother Superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

two men sit down at a table in a restaurant and wait to be served.
the waitress comes over and asks "what would ya like?"
both guys order a cheeseburger and a draft beer.
the waitresses goes off, gives the order to the cook, fills their beers, stops at a fridge, then comes to deliver their beers.
she gingerly sets the beers down in front of them while the guys notice she is keeping her arms at her side.
one fellow ask her "what's with your arms?"
she responds, "oh, the hamburger patties were frozen and with our microwave being broke, holding them under my arms is the fastest way to thaw them out."
the guys both look at each other and wince, while another customer at the table next to them tells her "ahh please cancel that hot dog order i had."

A man who was trying in vain to get his girl friend to marry him
had a gift delivered to her every day for a month to try and win her affections.She married the UPS guy

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after a 20 hour shift.

Preparing to write a check,she pulls a rectal thermometer
out of her purse and tries to write with it.

She looks at the flabergasted teller and with out missing a beat
says" Well thats great....thats really great.....some asshole's got my fountain pen.

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.

GROAN!!!

The History of the Middle Finger

Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of
fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, ”see, we can still pluck yew!” Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing

Did you make that up?

apparently someone did!

http://www.snopes.com/language/apocryph/pluckyew.asp