Counseling---Minnesota style

Ole and Sven are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer. When suddenly Sven says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife-she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Ole spits, sips his beer and says, "Better think it over.........
Women like that are hard to find."

This one's for Reaper!!

One night , in a sleepy town a huge chemical plant exploded into flames. The alarm went off and departments from miles around raced to the scene. After fighting the fire for over an hour the chemical company president approached the fire chief, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

At that,the firemen attacked with a renewed gusto. Two hours later they still had not gained any ground. At that, the company president offered $100,000 to the engine company that brought out the company's secret files.

In the distance, the wail of yet another siren was heard and soon another fire truck came into sight. The fire chief shook his head, aware it was that little rinky-dink volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. Much to his amazement, though, the fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove right into the middle of the inferno. He could see the old timers hopping off their rig , fighting the fire with an effort that he had never before witnessed.

Less than an hour later, the fire was out and the secret formulas were saved by this group of volunteers! The chemical company president was so ecstatic he doubled the reward to $200,000! After thanking the volunteers , the chemical company president couldn't help but ask what they planned to do with the reward money.

The engineer (driver) looked him tight in the eye, ready with his answer. "First thing we 'll do is fix the stupid brakes on that truck!"

Now THAT was good!!!!

I was bettin the secret formula was for Viagra.

This is adorable!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRPi_dNLliY

OMG..how cute.

This came around a while back, but just in case you didn't see it....

The other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there
for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking
ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a
retired person a break"?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He
glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So
I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo thug." He finished the second
ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started
writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets
he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus. The car that he was
putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08."

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important
to my health.

DEAF SEX Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.She writes:'Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex wi th me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.

If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.'

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his manhood one time.

If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his manhood two hundred and fifty times.

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him: "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds . . . . AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift-wrapped box in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.



She opened it and found..............a brand new bathroom scale.




(Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him .)

NINE MONTHS LATER...



Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do," said Bob.

"Did you...errr...happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes I did," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And....did you happen to give her MY name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."


(You thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)