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CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

'HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW'.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO'.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT '

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO'.

'FINE', SHE SAYS
'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK '

'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS'.
HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!! '

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS.

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE, HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

'HONEY', HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'
SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

J UST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE'.

HE SAID,
'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?'

SHE REPLIED,
'HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'

A koala was sitting in a gum tree....... smoking a joint.
When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint; come up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala ,
where they enjoyed the weed.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was dry
and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far
over and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this, swam over to the little lizard, and
helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,
'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he
was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree,
got too stoned, and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out, walked
into the rain forest, and found the tree where the koala was
sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

'Shiiiiiiiiiiit, duuuuuude.....
How much water did you drink?!!'

A Pennsylvania senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-80, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Pennsylvania State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

The trooper replied, "Have a good day, Sir,".

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their
stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and
pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that
only Ernie was left.

'Ernie, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot
in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a
survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break ,and
then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she
killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'

'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your daddy tell
you was the moral to this horrible story?


'Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.'

GOTTA PEE

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
She would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
Proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to
Go home.

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned
That his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband,
'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that
Said.....'

"From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you."

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?".

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! After all, she had so much more time to live and might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by an ambulance and killed.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't recognize you!"

Parking Ticket

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.

We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket...

We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'




He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care... We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of london.
One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat...Just before takeoff a US Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said,"I need to get up and get a coke." "Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, "I'll get it for you."
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "that looks good, I'd really like one too." Again the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
He leaned over and asked his Arab Neighbors..."why does it have to be this way?" "How long must this go on? this fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I just HATE
drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL,and he will supply all of your clothes.Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.

A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.'

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullshittin' me!

The social worker said, ' Yeah, well.... You started it.'


HAPPY 4th of JULY!