Recently recounted by a friend .....

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?
Well.. I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch , and margaritas into urine.
Life is good, live it.

Thanks Diane
My answer to that questions is "Anything I want, or nothing at all."

"The only tough part about doing nothing is figuring out when you're done."
:-)

When I was growing up it was called diddlin. Going down into the basement with grampa. We'd go through the boxes of nuts/bolts/screws/tools, through the metal boxes of "stuff" we hadn't looked at in months, through the fishin'and huntin' stuff.
Eventually, Grandma would holler downstairs "what are you guys doin' down there". Answer was always "nothin' just diddlin' around"

The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blond looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blond replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"
Just as the blond placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.

The blond was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."

The blond replied, "I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Im Bald

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for
example...

A wife comes home late at night early from being out of town and
quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She
reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as
she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let
them stay in our bedroom.
Did you say 'hello'?"

There are no rockets or airplanes built by any government in the world that can accelerate from a standing start as fast as a Top Fuel Dragster or Funny Car…..and that includes any aircraft launched by a catapult from an aircraft carrier. Nothing can compare…..

DEFINITION OF ACCELERATION


One top fuel dragster 500 cubic inch Hemi engine makes more horsepower than the first 4 rows of stock cars at the Daytona 500.


It takes just 15/100ths (0.15) of a second for all 6,000+ horsepower (some believe 8,000 HP is more realistic - there are no dynomometers capable of measuring) of an NHRA Top Fuel dragster engine to reach the rear wheels.


Under full throttle, a dragster engine consumes 1-1/2 gallons of nitromethane per second; a fully loaded 747 consumes jet fuel at the same rate with 25% less energy being produced.


A stock Dodge Hemi V8 engine cannot produce enough power to drive the dragster's supercharger.


With 3,000 CFM of air being rammed in by the supercharger on overdrive, the fuel mixture is compressed into a near-solid form before ignition.


Cylinders run on the verge of hydraulic lock at full throttle.


At the stoichiometric (stoichiometry: methodology and technology by which quantities of reactants and products in chemical reactions are determined) 1.7:1 air/fuel mixture of nitromethane, the flame front temperature measures 7,050 deg F. (Oxy-acetylene on "cut" is 6,300)


Nitro methane burns yellow. The spectacular white flame seen above the stacks at night is raw burning hydrogen, dissociated from atmospheric water vapor by the searing exhaust gases.


Dual magnetos supply 44 amps to each spark plug. This is the output of an arc welder in each cylinder.


Spark plug electrodes are totally consumed during one pass. After halfway, the engine is dieseling from compression, plus the glow of exhaust valves at 1,400 deg F. The engine can only be shut down by cutting the fuel flow.


If spark momentarily fails early in the run, unburned nitro builds up in the affected cylinders and then explodes with sufficient force to blow cylinder heads off the block in pieces or split the block in half.


In order to exceed 300 mph in 4.5 seconds, dragsters must accelerate an average of over 4G's. In order to reach 200 mph well before half-track, the launch acceleration approaches 8G's.


Dragsters reach over 300 miles per hour before you have completed reading this sentence.


The redline is actually quite high at 9,500 rpm.


Assuming all the equipment is paid off, the crew worked for free, and for once NOTHING BLOWS UP, each run costs an estimate $1,000.00 per second.


The current top fuel dragster elapsed time record is 4.428 seconds for the quarter mile (11/12/06, Tony Schumacher, at Pomona , CA ). The top speed record is 336.15 mph as measured over the last 66' of the run (05/25/05 Tony Schumacher, at Hebron , OH ).


Putting all of this into perspective:


You are driving the average $140,000 Lingenfelter 'twin-turbo' powered Corvette Z06. Over a mile up the road, a top fuel dragster is staged and ready to launch down a quarter mile strip as you pass. You have the advantage of a flying start. You run the 'Vette hard up through the gears and blast across the starting line and pass the dragster at an honest 200 mph. The 'tree' goes green for both of you at that instant.


The dragster launches and starts after you. You keep your foot down hard, but you hear an incredibly brutal whine that sears your eardrums and within 3 seconds, the dragster catches and passes you. He beats you to the finish line, a quarter mile away from where you just passed him.


Think about it, from a standing start, the dragster had spotted you 200 mph and not only caught, but nearly blasted you off the road when he passed you within a mere 1,320 foot long race course.

“Well you see, Norm it’s like this… A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general the speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Good memory Elbert...that's a really old joke!

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense"

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

(I always wondered how this trend got started)