Do not worry about people talking "behind your back", it just means that you are one step ahead of them, and they are exactly in the right direction to kiss your ass!

Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so they go to the doctors. After tests the doctor suggest Paddy's wife may be over heating during sex. Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to flap a towel on them during sex. After 20 mins of flapping still no orgasm, so his friend suggest a swap. I'll shag her and you flap the towel. Paddy agrees and within seconds Paddy's wife is screaming in pleasure and has the best orgasm ever. Paddy turns to his friend slowly and say's "and that my friend is how you flap a friggin towel!"

Some fine Irish jokes, No worries M8.



Joe says to Paddy, "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

********************




The Irish have solved their fuel problems. They’ve imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and are going to drill for their own oil.

********************


Paddy says to Mick, “Jeez, I’m ready for me holiday … but this year I’m going to do it a bit different. Three years ago I went to Spain - and Mary got pregnant. Two years ago I went to Italy - and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca - and again Mary got pregnant.”

Mick asks, “So what are you going to do this year?”

Paddy replies, “Oi think Oi'll take her wid me!”

********************


Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year" ...

Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

********************


Paddy and Mick find three grenades, so they decide to take them to a police station.

Mick says, "What if one explodes before we get there?"

Paddy: "We’ll lie and say we only found two."

********************


Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"

Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."



Brit here , Give it your best ..

All in fun M8

Country Lovers
My wife and I went to the Great Yarmouth agricultural show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .......Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW ~~ That's more than twice a week! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ...You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'

Farmer in Alberta

A farmer in Alberta has successfully grown a field of vibrators....

Unfortunately, he now has a problem with squatters.

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Mary was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Mary" said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes."

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town. I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!"

Then I would say, “It is dog crap. Wanna' buy a toothbrush?” I used the Obama approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth.”

Cleaned

The recession has hit everybody really hard. My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries. CEO's are playing MINIATURE golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies. If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them?!

Cleaned

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