G-1 Champ
VT

A public union employee, a Tea Party guy, and a bank CEO are sitting at a table with a plate of a dozen cookies. The CEO takes 11 of the cookies, turns to the Tea Partier and says, “Watch out for that union guy; he wants your cookie.”

Saint Peter wanted a day off, so he asked Jesus to cover for him on Pearly Gates duty. Jesus asked, "how do I do that?" Peter replied, "It's easy. Ask each supplicant why he or she wants admission to Heaven. You can usually tell from their response what your decision should be."

So Peter takes his holiday and Jesus works the Pearly Gates gig. And as predicted, it turns out to be fairly easy. Busy, but nothing too complicated. Finally Jesus is down to the last potential angel, a strangely familiar older man.

Jesus asks him, "My son, why do you wish to be allowed into Heaven?"

The old man was silent for a long moment. He sighed deeply, looked up at Jesus and slowly said,

"I never had a child of my own. But for a short time, I was blessed with a miraculous boy whom I raised as if he was my own son. He was taken from me far too soon and my life was never the same. That is why I want to get into Heaven, to see my long lost son one more time. That's all I ask."

As Jesus listens, the feeling of recognition keeps getting stronger and finally, overcome with emotion, Christ tearfully exclaims, "Father???"

To which the man excitedly replies, "Pinocchio???"

My 87 year old neighbor had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. I was amazed at my friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

He said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, I stopped at the bakery. As I was looking around, the lady asked if I needed any help.
...
I said "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

I said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
I replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this $h!t but me."

Cat lovers will appreciate this and others by Simon

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VLcLH97eRw&feature=player_embedded

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards
claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent
an agent out to investigate him.

GOV’T AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.”

RANCHER: ”Well, there’s my hired hand who’s been with me for 3 years.
I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day
and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week,
pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday
night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

GOV’T AGENT: “That’s the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.”

RANCHER: “That would be me.”

Bill - I would love to meet this farmer.

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND...

These are real notes written by parents in the
Memphis school district.
Spellings have been left intact…

[disclaimer -- do I REALLY believe these are actual notes - nope, but my guess is that some teacher somewhere has received plenty that rival or exceed those below)


1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She
had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday.. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever,
sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat , her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever.
There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

I hate when I walk through a metal detector and my abs of steel set them off.

I would just like to share an experience with you and it has to do with
drinking and driving.

On Saturday night I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had way
too many Jack Daniels. Knowing full well I was wasted, I did something
... I've never done before. I took a bus home. I arrived home safely and
without incident which was a real surprise, since I had never driven a
bus before!