Much better. My cat is not amused but the dogs are in stitches!

Glad to contribute

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend , he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly , so lovely people , if you could just put your trays up , that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle , he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country , I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied , without missing a beat ,
'Well , sweet-cheeks , in my country I'm called a Queen , so I outrank you. Tray-up,

Nose Burn !!

I was eating lunch with my 6-year-old and I asked her, "What is the 20th of February?"

She answered, "Presidents' Day!"

I asked her: "What does Presidents' Day mean?" and I waited for something about Washington,Lincoln,Bubba or Jethro Bodine .

She replied, "Presidents' Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of unemployment!"

You know, it really hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose!

George W. Bush was on the campaign trail in Virginia in 2000 when he asked one of the locals what time it was. "Well it's 4:45 Mr. President" replied the nearest Virginian. GW with a puzzled look on his face said, "That's the weirdest thing, I have asked that question all day and I keep getting different answers".

The misses and I are sitting eating our dinner and I look over at her very unexpectdly and say "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff right away. She asks why I would say something like that?
"You're a fine woman and I wouldn't imagine you'd stay single very long. I don't want you to re-marry and have some other jerk using all my stuff!"
Very calmly - see raises her eyes in my direction and says "What makes you think I'm gonna marry another jerk?"

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne,too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different kock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

These are actual lines out of performance appraisal forms for the military
(i.e. what their commanders thought of their performance).


Military Performance Ratings_________

· His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
·
· I would not breed from this Officer.
·
· This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.
·
· When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
·
· He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
·
· He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
·
· Technically sound, but socially impossible.
·
· This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope--always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
·
· This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
·
· When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
·
· This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
·
· Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
·
· She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
·
· He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
·
· This Officer should go far--and the sooner he starts, the better.
·
· In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
·
· The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
·
· Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
·
· This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
·
· Only occasionally wets himself under pressure
·
· Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
·
· Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
·
· A room temperature IQ.
·
· Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
·
· A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
·
· A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
·
· A prime candidate for natural deselection.
·
· Bright as Alaska in December.
·
· One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
·
· Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
·
· Fell out of the family tree.
·
· Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
·
· Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
·
· He's so dense, light bends around him.
·
· If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
·
· If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
·
· If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
·
· If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
·
· It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
·
· One neuron short of a synapse.
·
· Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
·
· Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
·
· The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.