During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, one by one

"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked.

"Just a minute, I have to go pee."
The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite!"

"What about you Bill, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table."

"And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."

The teacher fainted . .

You sure know how to put on my face. Hope you had a great holiday.

I was talking with my brother today.
We had started out talking about lord knows what, but somehow, the subject veered around to man-made diamonds. You know, for a whole lot of years, the technology has been around to creat genuine gemstone quality diamonds. Recently, hard as it may be to believe, I explained to him, there's a company who can even make diamonds out of the carbon in your cremated body.

"Seriously, bro, they can take your ashes and make diamonds."

"All that's left when you are cremated is some metallic carbonates. they take your ashes and put them into a sealed retort, and when it's heated over 1,000 degrees, the oxygen is cooked out of the carbonates. The extract the metals afterwards with use of acids, and wind up with really pure carbon, and that's what they make the diamonds out of."

"When you die, these guys could extract enough carbon from your body to make about 160 1/2 carat diamonds. Wouldn't it be cool as hell to have those diamonds made into a 100 tooth diamond concrete saw?"

Well, something about that bothered him.

"Why make a saw out of those diamonds? sounds kinda stupid to waste them like that. Couldn't you make a bracelet or something?"

"Nahh, it makes all the sense in the world to to me to turn whatever is left of you into a saw blade or a bunch of diamond pointed drill bits. You've been a complete tool all your life. Why should that change just cause you're dead?

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when
her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a
nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and then rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would
let out a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the
surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the
local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode
off.

'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the
service-station attendant.

'Nothing,' the woman answered. 'I merely sat behind him on the horse,
put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I
wouldn't fall off.'

'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles.'

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

“CRAP!" said the hypnotist..

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude was never invited back.

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend:
"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."

The other student says:
"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him
and one of the students said to him,
"We're medical students and couldn't help
but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said,
"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."


The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."


So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"


The old man said,
"I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

OOPS..a shart!

We had a guy work at the hospital who walked like that - one of nurses said his balls were just too big.

Subject: Ineptocracy

Could not find it in my old Webster ' s. Googled it and discovered it is a
recently "coined" new word found on a T shirt on eBay. Getting really close
to the bone! Read this one over slowly and absorb the facts that totally are
within this sentence!I love this word and believe that it will become a recognized
English word. Finally, a word to describe our current political situation.

Ineptocracy (in-ep-toc ' -Ra-cy) - A system of government where the least
capable to lead are elected by the least capable of producing, and where the
members of society least likely to sustain themselves or succeed, are
rewarded with goods and services paid for by the confiscated wealth of a
diminishing number of producers.

Is that a joke?