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Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Hubert, Elvis, and Derrick.
They were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open. Behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen.
She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the brimstone.
The voice of the Devil was heard, "Elvis, you have sinned!
You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!"
And Elvis was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.
This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened. They saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her.
The voice of the Devil was heard, "Derrick, you have sinned!
You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!"
And Derrick, like Elvis, was whisked off.
Hubert, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst
when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Halle Berry.
Delighted, Hubert jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman,
dressed in a skimpy bikini.
Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:
"Halle, you have sinned."


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LONG BEACH, CA-Though fully intending to assist the man eventually, U.S. Coast Guard authorities opted to let the owner of a 60-foot yacht stranded off the California coast panic a little longer Monday, the crew of the patrol boat Garibaldi announced. "Right now there is a gentleman in a captain's hat and baby blue polo shirt running all around the deck flailing his arms, and frankly we'd like to watch a little more of that before we come to his aid," Captain James Todman said of the hapless owner of the pleasure craft named Sea Breeze whom he had been watching through binoculars for the past 40 minutes jumping up and down while frantically setting off an air horn. "He's fine for now; we've got our eye on him. We're just going to wait for him to try to figure out his flare gun for a little longer and let him shout a couple more 'maydays' into the radio before we head over there and hook up the tow rope." At press time, Todman had given orders to send the Garibaldi toward the disabled yacht and then continue cruising past it, just to see the man's reaction.

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A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife.

Husband: I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.

Inspector: What is her height?

Husband: I never checked.

Inspector: Slim or healthy?

Husband: Not slim, can be healthy.

Inspector: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Inspector: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes according to season.

Inspector: What was she wearing?

Husband: Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.

Inspector: Was she driving?

Husband: Yes.

Inspector: Color of the car?

Husband: Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 enginegenerating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door...and then the husband started crying.

Inspector: Don't worry sir...we will find your car.






Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol
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The lovers�.

[Linked Image]

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Quickie in the Bushes
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude
man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a path
way for a hundred years, when one day an angel
comes down from the sky and, with a single
gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so
patient through a hundred blazing summers and
dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty
minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go
running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle
and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of
breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen
minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's
change positions. This time, I 'll hold the
pigeon down and you shit on its head.'



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Cowboy heaven.................

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.
"On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s#*t out of all of you!' "

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"


"Coupla minutes ago."



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:-) Good one grin


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grin



The Man Who Gave Up Sex For Golf

A golfer is in a competitive match with a
friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.

"Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt,"
the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside
him and whispers, "Would you be willing
to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer
will be meaningless, the golfer also
feels that maybe this is a good omen,
so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to
himself again, "Gee, I sure would
like to get an eagle on this one."

The same stranger is at his side again
and whispers, "Would it be worth
giving up another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies,
"Okay." And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer
needs another eagle to win.

Without waiting for him to say anything,
the stranger quickly moves to his side
and says, "Would winning this match be
worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies,
and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house,
the stranger walks alongside him and says,
"I haven't really been fair with you because
you don't know who I am. I'm Satan, & from
this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you, "the golfer replies,
"I'm Father O'Malley."





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