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You've probably seen or heard this already, but it's a classic and may induce a smile on a rainy day......



By George Carlin

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day

You work 40 years until you're too young to work.

You get ready; for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in Spa-like conditions -- central heating, room service on tap, and then...

You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

5 Minute Management Course
Young people. Read and heed each moral to these stories. I can attest that each is true either by experience or observation. Ok, most by experience.
Lesson 1 :

A priest offered a Nun a lift.



She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.



The priest nearly had an accident.



After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...



The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'



The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'



The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'



Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.



On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 2 :

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.



They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'



'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Poof! She's gone.



'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.



'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.



A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 4
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'




'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. It's full of nutrients.'



The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.



The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..



Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.



He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
Read the moral to each story. I can attest that each is true. Either by experience or observation. Well, maybe more by experience. Young people, read and heed.

The dung was actually thawing him out!



He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.



Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.



(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.



(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut !!!!!!!!!!

fun - thanks for the chuckles

from Diane....

Uffdah!
A road crew supervisor hired Ole to assist with painting the yellow line down the middle of the road. He was skeptical about hiring him, but he appeared enthusiastic and told him that he really needed the job. At least his wife Lena told him so.
He explained to Ole that his work day would be to complete 2 miles of line on the road, and he was set up with brushes and paint and got him started. After the first day, the supervisor was pleased to find that he did an excellent job and was able to paint 4 miles of road in his 8 hour shift. He told him that he did an excellent job and how pleased he was with his progress.
On the second day, Ole completed painting 2 miles of road. His supervisor was surprised that on the first day, he had completed twice as much work, but did not say anything, as 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure that he would pick up his speed again.
On day 3, the supervisor was shocked to learn that in his 8 hour shift, Ole only completed painting 1 mile of road. He was called the supervisor's office and asked what was the problem .. "On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road. Can I ask you, what is the problem?"

"Vell," Ole replied, "I'll tell you vhat, but I tought you vould know. Every day I vas getting farder and farder avay from da paint can."

Three women were golfing, found a bottle with a genie in it and each was offered one wish. The genie cautioned that there was a catch to the wishes - whatever the woman asked for, her husband would get 100 time more of the same.

Woman #1 asked for a Million Dollars. "Poof - you have a million dollars and your husband has 100 Million!" said the genie.

Woman #2 upped the ante and asked for Five Million dollars.

The third woman said --- "Genie, you say whatever I ask for, you assure me that my husband will get 100 times more? You're sure?" The genie answered yes, guaranteed.
After much deliberation the third woman said .... "Ok then, can I have just a teeeny weenie little heart attack?"

Must watch for the older crowd, quite amusing.

http://faithtap.com/1870/mary-maxwell-speech-at-caregiver-award-dinner/

And a note from a member of the "older crowd" .....



When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1,800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting World.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calculating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship..
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do fart a lot."

P.S. I know some of you are not over 60. I sent this to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.
We senior citizens don't need any more gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.

CHAMPION
Thanks so much for the belly-laughs! I could relate.