Feet cold and wet: Glass being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
Feet warm and wet: Improper bladder control. Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
Beer unusually pale and tasteless: Glass empty. Get someone to buy you another beer.
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights: You have fallen over backward. Have yourself leashed to bar.
Mouth contains cigarette butts: You have fallen forward. See above.
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
Floor blurred: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. Get someone to buy you another beer.
Floor moving: You are being carried out. Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
Room seems unusually dark: Bar has closed. Confirm home address with bartender.
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. Cover mouth.
Everyone looks up to you and smiles: You are dancing on the table. Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
Beer is crystal-clear: It's water! Somebody is trying to poison you. Punch him.
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. You have been in a fight: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in: You've wandered into the wrong party. See if they have free beer.
Your singing sounds distorted: The beer is too weak Have more beer until your voice improves.
Don't remember the words to the song: Beer is just right. Play air guitar!