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Posted By: scuba_sue New Rules For 2006 - 12/30/05 07:46 PM
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

FOLLOW THE RULES AND WE'LL ALL GET ALONG!

NEW RULE: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

NEW RULE: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

NEW RULE: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

NEW RULE: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

NEW RULE: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, hell be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

NEW RULE:The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the idiot. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge idiot.

NEW RULE: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your behind. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

NEW RULE: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

NEW RULE: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

NEW RULE: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

NEW RULE: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.
Posted By: Sun&sand Re: New Rules For 2006 - 12/30/05 09:56 PM
Ohhohh...I hafta add one: New Rule. Stop sending me emails that I HAVE to forward to fifty seven people within the next two seconds or I'll have gas pains with occasional eruptions and perpetual bad luck. My bad luck starts when I open your stupid emails. And, God knows I love him...forwarding emails doesn't guarantee me a place in Heaven.
Posted By: Denny Shane Re: New Rules For 2006 - 12/30/05 10:28 PM
remember sun... God works in mysterious ways. Maybe He's trying out something new. eek
Posted By: Sun&sand Re: New Rules For 2006 - 12/31/05 12:36 AM
Gee Denny, ya think God is trying something new? I wonder how many forwarded religous emails it takes to get into Heaven? I get at least five or so a day....perhaps I've already met the quota? Want me to save you a spot?
Posted By: deacon+ Re: New Rules For 2006 - 12/31/05 03:20 AM
Blessed & Happy New Year
Posted By: indygal Re: New Rules For 2006 - 12/31/05 03:49 AM
Gee I have never gotten a religous email.
Posted By: klcman Re: New Rules For 2006 - 12/31/05 04:29 AM
gimme your email addy - I''ll be more than happy to fulfill that lil bit of emptiness in your life laugh
Posted By: Sun&sand Re: New Rules For 2006 - 12/31/05 01:20 PM
Me, too, Indy. I'd be most happy to send you a few...
Happy New Year, everyone!!
Posted By: Denny Shane Re: New Rules For 2006 - 12/31/05 03:49 PM
Sun&sand... thanks for the offer of saving me a spot. I have it on good authority however, where I am headed they can always squeeze one more in... eek
Posted By: Sun&sand Re: New Rules For 2006 - 12/31/05 06:11 PM
LOL...Denny, I'm sure where we are going will have lots of room, and I'm also sure all of our friends will be there, so we won't be alone. Of course, it may be a little warm, but hey, we like warm, don't we?
Posted By: Denny Shane Re: New Rules For 2006 - 12/31/05 07:52 PM
Yep! sure do!! Here's something I just thought about last night. No matter where you go... up there or down there... do you have to wear clothes? eek
Posted By: Sun&sand Re: New Rules For 2006 - 12/31/05 11:55 PM
Hmmm. I would think it would depend on how warm it is....the warmer it is the more naked you can be? If we are where we THINK we'll be, we can be as naked as we want!!
Posted By: klcman Re: New Rules For 2006 - 01/01/06 12:08 AM
don't encourage him laugh
Posted By: deacon+ Re: New Rules For 2006 - 01/01/06 12:09 AM
Silk for Heaven...Thermal for Hell
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