DOCTOR STORIES

A man comes into the ER and yells,
"My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"
I grabbed my stuff, rushed
out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress,
and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I
was in the wrong one.

Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on
an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior
chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they
used to be," remorsed the patient.

Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told
a wife that her husband had died of a massive
myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
reporting to the rest of the family that he had died
of a "massive internal fart."

Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the
visual acuity test.
I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and
began, "Cover your right eye with your hand."
He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left."
Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There
was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the
top line. I turned and discovered that he had done
exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with
both his eyes covered.
I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

Dr.Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with
his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he
was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which
one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on
a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of
places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and
discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see...
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now
the instructions include removal of the old patch
before applying a new one.

Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient
named Reve, I asked, "How long have you been
bedridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered. "Why,
not for about twenty years---when my husband was
alive."

Dr. John Almquist, Erie, PA

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So
how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly.
I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient
replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman
produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a
young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker
Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing
strange clothing, entered.
It was quickly determined that the patient had acute
appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate
surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the
operating table, the staff noticed
that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it
there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a
short note on the patient's dressing, which said,
"Sorry, had to mow the lawn."