Dearest Friends,

St. Patrick's Day is finally here. I'm not Irish but I always enjoy celebrating St. Patrick's Day.

Here is my schedule for St. Patrick's Day:

9:30 AM - Wake up. Slam two shots of Jameson Irish Whiskey.
9:45 AM - Take shower, use Irish Spring. Brush teeth, gurgle with Irish whiskey.
9:55 AM - Pour bowl of Lucky Charms. Substitute Guinness for Milk.
10:10 AM - Put on clothes. Wear "Kiss Me, I'm An Irish Poseur" t-shirt.
10:20 AM - Get beer helmet and stock it with Guinness. Then grab two more Guinness and chug them like an Irish rock star.
10:25 AM - Find four-leaf clover in back yard.
10:26 AM - Screw it; just drink two shots of Bailey's Irish Cream.
10:35 AM - Play U2's JOSHUA TREE album. Dance jig.
10:45 AM - Sing dirty limericks.
10:55 AM - Drink three more shots of whiskey and punch self in the face.
11:00 AM - Pass out till tomorrow

There is only one cure for baldness. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.