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#133447 12/20/00 06:55 PM
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 64
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A little boy came down to breakfast. Since they lived on a farm, his mother
asked if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother told him he couldn't have any breakfast until he did his chores.
Well, he was a little pissed, so he went to feed the chickens, and he
kicked a chicken. He went to feed the cows, and he kicked a cow. He went to
feed the pigs, and he kicked a pig.

He went back in for breakfast and his mother gave him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? "Why don't I have any milk in my
cereal?" he asks.

"Well, "his mother said, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any
eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also
saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat
as he's walking into the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you
going to tell him, or should I?


this meesage created by 100% recycled electrons
#133448 12/20/00 07:34 PM
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 41
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<html>

<head>
<title>New Page 1</title>
<meta name="GENERATOR" content="Microsoft FrontPage 3.0">
</head>

<body bgcolor="#C0C0C0">

<span style="font-size:10.0pt">Did You Ever Wonder:

<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>

<font color="#FF0000">Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

</font>If a pig loses its voice, is it dis-gruntled?

<font color="#FF0000">Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be
wearing nightgowns?</font>

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

<font color="#FF0000">Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to
begin with!</font>

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

<font color="#FF0000">Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?</font>

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

<font color="#FF0000">If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make
terrible?</font>

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

<font color="#FF0000">"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?</font>

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you
will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint, you will have to touch it to
be sure?

<font color="#FF0000">If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?</font>

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

<font color="#FF0000">What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?</font>

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I
wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

<font color="#FF0000">Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
are we supposed to do, write to them!? Why don't they just put their pictures on the
postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail!?</font>

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

<font color="#FF0000">If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are
the others here for?

</font>No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

<font color="#FF0000">Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?</font>

If a cow laughed, would milk come out its nose?

<font color="#FF0000">If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?</font></span>
</body>
</html>

#133449 12/21/00 08:10 AM
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 41
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A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

#133450 12/21/00 05:17 PM
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Anonymous
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LOL!! these are hysterical! i like the sponge one best. when days are going shitty, i love to come here and have you all make me smile. thanks.

#133451 12/22/00 08:22 AM
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 41
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Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."


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