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#135871 - 05/02/01 09:36 AM Look Jane...a kinder & gentler Zeke  
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 758
CAPTAIN bigzeke Offline
CAPTAIN bigzeke  Offline
Mrs. Zeke woke up in the middle of the night last night to find me missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house.
She heard sobbing from the basement.

After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found the Zekester all curled up into a little ball, sobbing.

"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked.

"Remember, 20 years ago when I got you pregnant?"

"And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"

"Yes, of course," she replied.

"Well, I would have been released tonight and I could then be in AC partying with my Susie & AC BeachBum."

There is only one cure for baldness. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
#135872 - 05/02/01 10:01 AM Re: Look Jane...a kinder & gentler Zeke  

hey, joke stealer: i printed this same joke a few weeks ago...didn't you see it?

#135873 - 05/02/01 10:05 AM Re: Look Jane...a kinder & gentler Zeke  

here's my proof:

. posted 04-05-2001 10:16 PM
mrs. zeke awoke during the night to find that studman zeke was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a blue drink in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his drink.
"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes, I do," she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember."
"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry
my daughter or spend twenty years in jail"?
"Yes, I do," she said.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know...I would have gotten out today".
love & kisses, jane

#135874 - 05/02/01 10:06 AM Re: Look Jane...a kinder & gentler Zeke  

ha! the student is now the master, ha ha ha ha! [Linked Image] [Linked Image] [Linked Image] [Linked Image]

#135875 - 05/02/01 10:23 AM Re: Look Jane...a kinder & gentler Zeke  
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 758
CAPTAIN bigzeke Offline
CAPTAIN bigzeke  Offline
Alzheimerís.....told you I just turned 50....gimme a f--king break! Alright?

There is only one cure for baldness. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
#135876 - 05/02/01 10:34 AM Re: Look Jane...a kinder & gentler Zeke  
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 758
CAPTAIN bigzeke Offline
CAPTAIN bigzeke  Offline
Jane I think you will appreciate this after my email: Mrs. Zeke ain't too keen on them Tropic Air & Mayan Air flying taxi's!

Fear of flying?

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

2. Pilot -- "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA"

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

6. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."

8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight..."

12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate."

13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Mam," said the first officer, "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways.

There is only one cure for baldness. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
#135877 - 05/02/01 02:48 PM Re: Look Jane...a kinder & gentler Zeke  

zeke, i have a good friend who is a pilot for continental. i am printing these out for him. i once cut him out a newspaper comic: the flight attendant announces "it is time for landing. please turn off all electronic devices and return your seat to its upright position", meanwhile the picture is of the captain reclined in the cockpit with his eyes closed wearing a discman on his ears. get it
ok, this one is true: sept. 1993 - we are on our way to BZ for the first time. we fly continental from houston to bz city on a rainy afternoon. uneventful flight. pulling into bz city, the weather is very rainy & foggy (duh, rainforest). the descent becomes pretty turbulent, so a young frank & i are clutching our seat arms and holding hands tightly. ok. we peek out the window, and you cant see a thing, just a solid wall of fog. still going pretty fast, we suddnely see the runway - like 15 feet below us! our hearts leaped, and luckily the plane ascends back up into the air. (thump-thump-thump go our pulses). we swing a big loop over the rainforest (nice view), and approach again. same thing. nothing but fog too dense to see thru, until, suddenly again, the runway 15 ft below. hearts leap again, white knuckles. the plane ascends again. another nice view of flying over the mountains. then, one more approach. we are holding our breath now, said our "i love you"'s, and this time, i think by pure guesswork, we land very smoothly on the runway. the biggest round of applause i had heard in years follows. i don't want to scare anyone, but we thought we were going to die. no shit. the pilot did an amazing job. we all shook his hand exiting the plane.

hardly rained the next 10 days of our trip, but we will NEVER forget it.

[This message has been edited by janeinPA (edited 05-02-2001).]

#135878 - 05/02/01 04:48 PM Re: Look Jane...a kinder & gentler Zeke  

reading this again, i realized i surely didn't want to frighten anyone. stuff happens.

our flights last year were perfect. honest.

#135879 - 05/02/01 05:20 PM Re: Look Jane...a kinder & gentler Zeke  
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 1,205
Axeman Offline
Axeman  Offline
man i'm luaghing so hard i'm crying!!!

Life May Be a Beach...I prefer Reefs...
#135880 - 05/02/01 08:50 PM Re: Look Jane...a kinder & gentler Zeke  
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 105
deano Offline
deano  Offline
My flight instructor always told me...."A good landing is any thing that you can walk away from"......"A GREAT landing is when you can use the plane again"!!!!

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