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#136981 06/19/01 03:39 PM
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 761
OP Offline
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in
front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to
avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his
arm out his window and flipped the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does
anything to me in traffic and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day. Of
these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is
on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that
means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars
every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or
31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass
at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000
cars I pass every day.

Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000.

In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their
period. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life
as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National
Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or
homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's
33. According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry
weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a
lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered
suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.

Flip one off?..............I think not.

There is only one cure for baldness. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
#136982 06/19/01 03:44 PM
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 761
OP Offline
Are you tired of the battle between the sexes? Men and women are different. There's no question about it. But instead of focusing on the negative qualities of men and women, why not celebrate the positive qualities?

Let's start with the Ladies:

Women are compassionate, and loving, and caring.

Women cry when they are happy.

Women are always doing little things to show they care. They will stop at nothing to get what they think is best for their children (best school, best prom dress, best dentist)

Women have the ability to keep smiling when they are so tired they can hardly stand up.

They know how to turn a simple meal into an occasion.

Women know how to get the most for their money

They know how to comfort a sick friend.

Women bring joy and laughter to the world.

The know how to entertain children for hours on end!

They are honest and loyal.

Women have a will of iron under that soft exterior.

They will go the extra mile to help a friend in need.

Women are easily brought to tears by injustice.

They know how to make a man feel like a king.

Women make the world a much happier place to live.

Now, for the Men:

Men are good at moving heavy things and killing spiders

There is only one cure for baldness. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
#136983 06/19/01 03:45 PM
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 761
OP Offline
A woman was walking down the street when a man who was carrying out a survey stopped her.

"Excuse me, Madam, we're doing a survey on peoples' attitudes towards sex."

"Really!" said the woman smiling.

"Could you please tell me what you think of sex on the television?"

"Well," replied the woman, "I think it's extremely uncomfortable, especially when you've got an arial stuck up your ass"!

There is only one cure for baldness. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
#136984 06/19/01 03:46 PM
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 761
OP Offline
A famous heart specialist doctor died and it's his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

There is only one cure for baldness. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
#136985 06/19/01 03:47 PM
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 761
OP Offline
Flat Tummy

A little boy walks into his parents room to see his
mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.

The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried
about what her son has seen she dress's quickly and
goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks' "What were you
and dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big
tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help
flatten it."

Your wasting your time." say's the boy

Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes
over and gets on her knees and blows it right back

There is only one cure for baldness. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
#136986 06/19/01 05:49 PM
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 29
I think a new forum should be started called "CAPTAIN bigzeke"!!

great jokes!

#136987 06/19/01 06:20 PM
hooray, it looks like the zekester is back, and not missing a beat! the second one tells me that mrs. zeke was "good" on their trip.

i really liked the gyn one.

zeke, is the road rage thing true, or reprinted? if you wrote it, you have way too much time on your hands, figuring out those statistics and all.

once, years ago, a guy in front of me flew over RR tracks and got quite a bit of air. i gave him a thumbs-up, but he thought i flipped him off. so he whizzed a beer bottle at my car, and hit it. moral: don't even give a thumbs up, folks. keep your appendages to yourself. i learned my lesson.

that aside, welcome back zeke. we missed ya.

#136988 06/19/01 07:05 PM
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 387
Hey Zekester!!!!
you're back bud.... now there'll be some action round dis joint [Linked Image] funny jokes, but ya do have 2much time on your hands bud....
well, glad you're back [Linked Image]

#136989 06/21/01 07:18 AM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 1,205
Funny you should mention women with guns...I work with a local police Dept in DC...and often the officers mention the calls they go to....
One talked about how many times he's come across armed women branishing weapons...scarey...I too just is way too short to end it that way...although I do find it nessasary to beat the dashboard from time to time when forced off the road... are by far the funniest guy I've yet to meet here...keep those jokes coming!

Life May Be a Beach...I prefer Reefs...
#136990 06/22/01 11:14 AM
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 360
Captain, my captain...
you sir
1] have too much time on your hands
2] tienes cojones grande
3] have questionable taste
4] are funny as hell
5] are greatly appreciated by me

A doctor friend of mine told me he had slept with a patient. He was trying to justify his actions," Well, I wasn't actively treating the patient,she was recovering nicely from being hit by a car. I happened to see her on the street... It's not like I'm a psychiatrist."
"Zeke," I said, "You're a vetrenarian!"

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