Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v.
To go to the cash machine and hit "inquire".

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n.
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat, cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner".

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n.
Gotta get married in a church.

Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, "Focus...breath...push...Good Girl!"

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a pound of M&M chocolate covered peanuts.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v.
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone, who is able to create a style, you will never be able to duplicate again. See also "Magician".

Lipstick (lip*stik) n.
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n.
A day ,when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Zillion (zil*yen) n.
The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself anyway.

So true so true!!!!! (how in the heck did they come from us??!?!?)

Reflections on the human race

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house," - Lewis Grizzard

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." - Jeff Foxworthy

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." - Robin Williams

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." - Dave Barry

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" -Marilyn Pittman

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." - Bob Ettinger

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." - Paula Poundstone

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." - Conan O'Brien

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." - Lynda Montgomery

"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner." - Roseanne

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" - Richard Jeni

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." -Johnny Carson

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." - Paul Rodriguez

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." - Jerry Seinfeld

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" - Warren Hutcherson

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." - Oscar Wilde

"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet." - Mae West

"Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress... Did I repeat myself?" - Mark Twain

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." - A. Whitney Brown

Ah, yes, divorce...from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet," - Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." - Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." - Billy Crystal

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" -Dave Barry

"We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'" -Elayne Boosler

"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten." - George Carlin When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car...