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#141517 01/30/02 10:55 AM
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 761
OP Offline
It is impossible to lick your elbow.

A crocodile can't stick it's tongue out.

A shrimp's heart is in their head.

People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when
you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.

In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years,
no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its
head in the sand (or attempted to do so -- apart from Bones ).

It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit

Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of
Alphabet Spaghetti especially for the German market
that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas.

More than 50% of the people in the world have never
made or received a telephone call.

Rats and horses can't vomit.

The 'sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick'' is said to
be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib.

If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture
a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.

If you keep your eyes open by force, they will pop out.

Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats
could have over a million descendants.

Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase
the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for US citizens
to have any contact with extraterrestrial or their vehicles?

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal
ads for dating are already married.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by
people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.

In the course of an average lifetime you will, while
sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Cat's urine glows under a black-light.

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

I bet you tried to lick your elbow!

There is only one cure for baldness. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
#141518 01/30/02 11:11 AM
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 360
You are one strange duck. And I thank you for that:^}

#141519 01/30/02 01:02 PM
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 761
OP Offline
I'll show you STRANGE!

You Know You are a Redneck....

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.

Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

You burn your yard rather than mow it.

You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You've bathed with flea and tick soap.

You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.

You took a fishing pole to Sea World.

You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

You've hit on somebody in a VD clinic.

Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.

You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.

You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.

A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.

You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

You've asked the preacher, "How's it hangin'?"

You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is

There is only one cure for baldness. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
#141520 01/30/02 04:16 PM
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 761
OP Offline
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on
bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says,
don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to
belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm
going to
eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully
in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman.
comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states,
"Sorry, we don't serve beer

to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

........(You're gonna love this)........

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

There is only one cure for baldness. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
#141521 01/30/02 05:38 PM
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 49
what was the last thing the redneck said just before he died?

Hey yall watch this

#141522 01/30/02 05:41 PM
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 4,268
I have decided that you really do need to get back to San Pedro quick!

#141523 01/30/02 07:47 PM
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 761
OP Offline
Denny....NO SHITTTT!!!!

There is only one cure for baldness. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

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