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THINGS I WISH I'D KNOWN BEFORE I WENT OUT IN THE REALWORLD

1. A person needs only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move
and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

2. Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying "Thank you"
though it helps if you say it with a Southern accent.

3. Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra,
some are on-stage singing, some are in the audience as critics, and some
are
there to applaud. Know who and where you are.

4. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas. EVER!!

5. When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.

6. Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiter.

7. Good sex should involve laughter. Because it's, you know, funny.

8. If you tell a lie, don't believe it deceives only the other person.

9. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I
apologize" and "You are right".

10. Everyone seems normal until you get to know him or her.

11. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat
crow while it's still warm.

12. If he says that you are too good for him--believe it.

13. I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, Will this matter one
year
from now? How about one month? One week? One day?

14. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

15. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

16. Living well really is the best revenge.

17. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just proves
that
the other person was right about you.

18. Be really nice to your friends because you never know when you are
going
to need them to empty your bedpan and hold your hand.

19. Work is good but it's not important.

20. Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.

21. You are the only person who can truly make you happy.

And finally...

22. Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect, it just means you've
decided to see beyond the imperfections.

If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes," delete
it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently
this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase
everything on your hard drive, but it will also
delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your
computer. It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of
your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM
access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR,
and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any
CD's you attempt to play. It will program your
phone auto dial to call only 900 numbers. This
virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE
YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING?? It
will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when
you are expecting company. It will replace your
shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine.
If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a windows
95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up
and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously
close to a ful bathtub. It will not only remove forbidden
tags from you mattress and pillows, it will also refill
your skim milk with whole milk.
**WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.**
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20
seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg
will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you,
sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.
Send this to everyone>>>>>>

sounds remarkably like my husband...