Sum of the News That Gives Us Fits:
In a stunning and developing story, stray dogs from the island have begun to overrun the bulletin board. Breeds of all stripes (and a few mongrel mixes) have been identified and cataloged, for no real reason other than entertainment. Moving the canines from the beach to the board should cut down on the waste problem on the island. The board, on the other hand, seems to have seen a marked increase in deposits.
The San Pedro Social Club, www.sanpedrosc.org,
has been experiencing moments of server non-service in the past couple of weeks, causing some consternation and, for Ernie, more geek contact than he’s comfortable conducting. Thankfully, things seem to heading back toward what passes for control around the SPSC. Normalcy, once again, reigns supremo. Or, if you’re in California, it just rains.
Could be worse. You could be in the northeast US or, for that matter, Canada.
Ernie also made the nearly fatal error of offering logo merchandise for sale to add to the contributions toward the schoolchildren of San Pedro. He’s a little tied up right now, researching the answers to questions including whether the shirts are 100% combed Egyptian cotton (coton), if the dyes used are all-natural with no chemical additives, can the shirts be made into tanks (and fitted, of course, with guns), the exact circumference of the logo imprint (both metric and English measures) and how many shirts will fit on a shelf, bro’. Stay tuned for those and more important announcements. In the mean time, click on www.sanpedrosc.org
and see if it’s back up. If it is, join up, buy a shirt, own yourself some raffle tickets and enjoy the photos!
In a related story, the members of the San Pedro Anti-social Club continue their mysterious banter via the ongoing, record-setting thread they established at the turn of the century. Best estimates are that approximately half of the Antis understand the cryptic commentary produced by their community and the other half are playing along, hoping no one catches on. The rest of us just don’t care.
Crime raised its ugly head once again this week. Well, not really…but someone asked about it. Here’s the crimes against tourists report for February: [none] .
According to a new, and very high-tech, tracking program (code named “Nurse Shark”) being developed by Jesse and Chris, klcman (dude) was actually off-line from the Board for a surprising 6.2 minutes in the month of February. This should result in the refund of .000153769% of his monthly membership fees. The amount is available in a lump sum at 50% or, if he so chooses, it can be paid out in full via equal monthly installments over a 20-year term. That should buy a shelf bra or two for the shirt fund.
In sports news: The local lobster crop breathed a huge sigh of relief on Valentine’s Recovery Day, acknowledging the theoretical closing of lobster season for a few months. The mini-tsunami resulting from the mass gasp was credited with generating a slightly-larger-than-microscopic surf and quick curl that dissipated about four feet inside the reef. Surfboard sales on the island skyrocketed during the momentary wave but have now returned to normal. Fidos is accepting donated boards as additional décor with no storage fee.
In other news that can only be considered earth-shaking, Cap’n. Jeff shocked the entire SP populace by sitting on the OTHER SIDE of the boat on his last fishing outing. Rumors abound that he had to work slightly harder in order to pack the action, but it was packed nonetheless. Extra credit question: Guess who he hired as a guide? Reports of The Captain in the Jacuzzi at his love nest with a Belikin calendar are grossly exaggerated and, for all we know, not true.
Traffic, according to one picture, is on the increase. Acknowledging that, the police department borrowed some batteries for its radar gun, turned it around and discovered, to no one’s surprise, that they were actually in reverse. An effort is under way to permanently mount the unit near the airport as an aid in demonstrating to tourists that BZ time can be scientifically proven to be both conceptually and factually different than the standard “New York Minute.”
In more shark news, the “Throw the Grouper to the Moray and Vicious, Deadly Killer Nurse Sharks” event previously scheduled to be a part of the World-Famous Chicken Drop at the Spindrift Hotel next Wednesday has been cancelled due to the fact that the grouper has gone missing. Paisano Investigative Special Services has been contracted to get to the bottom of the situation.
Barking dogs, bare boats, bare breasts, bare butts and Belikins have all been making the rounds in conversational circles, all ‘round the town. [#%!] is also on the trail of each of the above-listed but, as yet, has nothing to report. Chances are, they never will. Not much for reporting, you know.
On that note, be sure to send us all your tips and newsy stuff. We’ll bend your meanings, take things out of context and, in general, butcher up a report for you again. Sometime.