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Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 8,868
SP Daily Offline
SP Daily  Offline
A message to all Americans from John Cleese

By John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories. (Except Utah,
she does not fancy.)

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the
of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside
borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any
you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
are introduced with immediate effect :

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the
'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.

Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced
'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix
You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g.
You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope
correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look
"vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with
noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient
form of communication.

Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry
Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then
shouldn't have chat shows.

When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use
language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have
learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
"Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such
place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If
persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become
e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or
Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American
audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event
called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you
be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball
without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no
be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a
vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to
handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you
wish to
carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though
97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe)
not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on
potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and
fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer
should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more
aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter
be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly
known as
"American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's
Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser
whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine".
will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in
Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA
the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly
$6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be
by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to
handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you
to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

#176026 - 04/20/05 01:07 PM Re: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE  
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 2,132
Gela Offline
Gela  Offline
Ah yes, John Cleese - one of my favorite humourous Brits. laugh

Gela's AC Motto: "All Roads Used to Lead to BC's - Now They Lead to Hurricane's!"
#176027 - 04/21/05 04:29 AM Re: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE  
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 2,675
dbdoberman Offline
dbdoberman  Offline
Loved it! Thanks Jesse. Cleese really should be PM, he has style.

#176028 - 04/21/05 08:07 AM Re: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE  
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 455
Grace Offline
Grace  Offline
This is so good....thanks.

Grace DeVita
#176029 - 04/21/05 10:58 AM Re: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE  
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 329
Tom Offline
Tom  Offline
The way things are going in Belize I thought that this was an OFFICIAL statement to the country of Belize. Of course it wasn't and enjoyed the piece very much. However at this point maybe one should be issued to The Priminister Said Musa.
For a place with sooo much potential and such wonderful people for the most part, there seems to be more than the fair share of outright theft in any areas, from government to businesses, investors and even between friends and family. Now I do not speak of this lightly and have been a victum of some of this. Partly of my own accord as I am a generaly trusting person who now looks twice before trying to help or give support to people who ask for it.
Don't get me wrong, I still love San Pedro and will continue being as involved as I can in the community hopeing that some how some way that the future generation will be learning from the mistakes that are currently being made.

#176030 - 04/22/05 04:24 PM Re: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE  
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 577
PattiCake Offline
PattiCake  Offline
See, I've been warning you folks all along and only Bobber paid any attention. And at heart, you Americans seem to be true royal-watchers, so this is really a small step...

But I highly disagree with eliminating baseball, it's been berry berry good to me...

#176031 - 04/23/05 07:47 AM Re: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE  
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 3,677
Bobber Offline
Bobber  Offline
Since when was I paying attention? Anyway, how about the recent posting about Cuba being supported by Belize? Cuba wants to be America. Fairly recently Fidel put out an edict forbidding Cubans from smoking cigars in public places. That is not just American, it is Minnesotan.
The Brits seem to like to poke fun at the people we elect to public office. So, we get to poke at the Royals (who elected them anyway? or was it just that they are decended from earlier royals who managed to kill all of their rivals?). The world is a strange place, and opinions are rampant.

Been there, done that, the washing machine ate the T-shirt
#176032 - 04/23/05 01:07 PM Re: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE  
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 577
PattiCake Offline
PattiCake  Offline
I meant you were learning how to alter (correct) your spelling, Bobbeur.

#176033 - 04/24/05 06:43 PM Re: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE  
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 3,677
Bobber Offline
Bobber  Offline
I didn't alteur squat.

Been there, done that, the washing machine ate the T-shirt
#176034 - 04/24/05 07:47 PM Re: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE  
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 577
PattiCake Offline
PattiCake  Offline
Bobbeur, the smile on my face would break glaciers.

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