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Joined: Jun 2000
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To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland:

We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power.
The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!

However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy(for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.

To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:

1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum"
(note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the _original_ spelling and
pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman).

However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a scarry and crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.

2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.

3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 = 2.15)

4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture and entertainment. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't
exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.

5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem
has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The Wind" again for you guys.

6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer
Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident.

7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in
your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of satan they'll teach you how to cook.

8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is
pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.

9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".

Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.

p.s. - regarding WW2: You're Welcome.

Joined: Aug 2003
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Thank you Silk laugh

Joined: Mar 2003
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Thanks Jesse and Silk, I have not met you but I love both. smile smile


Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain.
Joined: Feb 2005
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But why is the Queens picture so horrible on the U.S.one dollar bill? Anyone see my tequila?

Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 3,888
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Who killed Lady Diana? confused AND 1-800-DENTIST isn't hard to remember! cool

Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 2,208
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oooh I love this thread...may I respond just for intellectual fun? (without seeming that I am insulting anyone).

Unfortunately it is not exciting to see a republic in action when their definition of democrocy is mob rule. A conservative collection of people pushing through their views because doesn't constitute democracy it constitutes the passion of the most vocal. Lynching in small villages is democracy in action..no thank you. The majority of those who vote are not necessarily the people who are the best placed to make decisions on behalf of everyone else. I'd take a benevolent dictator any day.

1. English was a language invented by the english - end of story. If you can't speak it correctly call your language United States language (please not American as there are two other continents who consider themselves 'American'.

2. It is not too difficult to distinguish between USA accents and Canadian as so few USA folk have passports or travel abroad so we just assume that all people with North American accents are Canadian but we are so scared of USA folk we daren't admit it.

3. Learn about the metric system oh and make your money different colours so that people can actually see what they have in their wallet. No one else understands gallons and farenheit these days.

4. We make loads more movies than you know about but can't be bothered to try to promote them to the USA public because it is a pain to put subtitles on everything.

5. The USA could do with an orginal tune for their national anthem.

6. Why bother playing football when we are better at hooliganism?

7. Hate to inform you but the Fat Duck in Bray in England has just been voted the best restaurant in the world. Our schools are now trying to serve only organic food to our kids and ..well we have to admit it..we still haven't caught up with the USA in the obesity stakes..so we are one down on that one.

8.Cars are not a priority because we have legs and can walk places. (See previous comment on obesity)

9. We'll apologise for the Teletubbies when you apologise for Anna Nicole Smith, Paris Hilton, Madonna (why is she living in the UK - go home!), Jackass etc...

ps. As for WW2, if it makes you feel better for taking the credit, please do..unfortunately no one in Europe feels grateful so get over it

pps. Tell your president thanks for making the world such a safer place.

and before any weirdo flag wavers jump down my throat...I love the USA, but I love arguments even more.


www.conchcreative.com
Belize Wedding Photography

Joined: Apr 2004
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Too funny CollyK! As a passport carrying USA citizen I'd like to comment on a few points.

1. I only know of N. America and S. America as continents. What is the 3rd?

2. Understandable. I'm scared of us too.

3. Agreed. The metric system make logical sense.
Ours does not. I don't know why.

5. AMEN! And we've never found anyone who can sing it.

6. Yep. I prefer hooliganism too.

9. Hey, you left out Michael Jackson. I'm sorry, I apologize. (I'd pull the trigger)

PS. Those of the Jewish faith might, at least.

I love my country but it sure isn't perfect. I've never been to yours.

Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 3,888
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Once Liz Hurley got knocked up that was it. No More cute girls left in the UK. Guy Ritchie HAD to find a pretty girl from another Country. You guys couldn't even find a cute fat British girl to play Bridget Jones. Just wait till little William and Harry come to America and marry Paris Hilton and Hillary Duff! Queenie isn't going to be happy! Now get your umbrella, get on the tube and have a nice traditional English meal of curry! laugh cool

Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 577
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This is interesting and most amusing, I'll admit, as a Canadian fence-sitter. I want to peruse this and make my comments down the road.

Excellent comments from both sides. Want me to ref?

Reaper, no "Queenie". It's ERII (Elizabeth, Regina, II (the Second))

Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 577
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And BTW Reaper, women who get "knocked up" are no longer "cute"? It's not a lifelong thing you know. Only nine months or so. Perhaps some MAN somewhere had a bit to do with her pregnancy but few women have much to do with beer bellies.

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