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A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my
boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her Boyfriend."

For Sale:
1 parachute, never opened. Used once, small stain. Cheap!

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"

A guy walks into his psychiatrists office wearing nothing but Saran wrap around his entire body. The shrink looks up from his notebook and says," I can see your (you're) nuts, clearly".

After 50 years of happy marriage to Lena, Ole becomes very ill and realizes that he will soon die. In bed one night, Ole turns to his wife. 'Lena,' he asks. 'When I am gone, do you think you will marry another man?' Lena gave it some thought. 'Well, yes,' she said. 'Marriage has been good to me and I think that I surely will marry again.' Ole was taken aback. 'Why Lena,' he cried, 'Will you bring your new husband into our house?' 'This is a fine house,' said Lena, 'Yes, I think we will live here.' 'But Lena,' Ole gasped, 'Will you bring your new husband into our bed?' Lena said 'Ole, you made this bed, a good strong bed. Yes! Sure I will bring my new husband into this bed.' Ole gulped. 'But Lena,' he said in a quite voice, '...You won't � ah � let your new husband use my golf clubs, will you?' Lena smiled at her husband. 'Oh, Ole!' she grinned, misty-eyed. 'Of course he won't use your golf clubs! He is left-handed.'

An old farmer lies dying on his bed with his three sons gathered around him. The old man says to him that he loves them equally and cannot decide who shall get the biggest piece of land, the second biggest piece and the smallest piece. He decides to give each of his sons a baby duck to raise, once they have raised the ducks they are to go out and sell them, the son who gets the most money for his duck will get the biggest piece of land, the son who gets the second most money will get the second biggest piece, and the son who gets the least money will get the small piece of land. The sons all agree that this is a good idea, and they start raising there ducks. The day finally arrives and the three boys set out to sell there ducks, they come to a crossroads and one son goes left, one goes right, and one goes straight ahead. The boy who went right came upon a farmhouse right away and knocked on the door, a farmer opened up his door and asked what the boy wanted to which the boy answered that he was trying to sell a duck, it was a very fine duck, and would the farmer like to buy the duck. The farmer answered that yes he needed another duck and he would gladly give the lad 5 bucks for the duck. The boy said sold and handed the farmer his duck, then departed for home.
The boy who went left came upon a couple of farms but no one wanted his duck, finally he found one more farm and asked the farmer if he would like to purchase his hand raised duck, the farmer replied that yes he was in the market for a duck and offered the boy 10 bucks for his duck, to which the boy said sold, handed him the duck and split for home.
Now the third son who went straight ahead had no luck what so ever, he had walked for miles and no one wanted too buy his duck, he was just about ready to give up when he saw in the distance one more farm house so he decided to give it one more try. He got to the house and knocked on the door, presently a very cute young lady opened the door and asked what it was the boy wanted. He answered that he would like to speak with her father, she said that her father was in town and would not be back till sometime later. The boy was really discouraged by this news and said to the girl that he was really trying to sell his duck and he was hoping that she would buy it. She answered that it was indeed a mighty fine duck and she would trade him a f..k for the duck. He thought about it for about a 10th of a second and agreed, well after they were done she said to the boy that he had performed so well that she would give him back his duck if he would f..k her again. The boy agreed and performed the deed. After he was finished he was just leaving the yard with his duck when the farmer arrived and said thats a mighty fine looking duck you have there, I will give you 15 bucks for the duck, sold cries the boy, the farmer gives him the 15 bucks and tells him to let the duck go in the yard. The boy is just about to leave when the duck wanders onto the highway and a passing truck flattens the duck. The farmer tells the boy to keep the 15 bucks and take the dead duck as well. The boy leaves and heads for home.
The three brothers are gathered around there fathers bed and the first son blurts out that he got 5 bucks for his duck, the old man sits up and says that he has to be the winner to get that much money for a duck, The second boy says hang on a minute Dad, I got 10 bucks for my duck. Thats amazing says the old man, I guess you are the winner. Hold on one moment the third son says, I gota duck for a f..k, a f..k for a duck, fifteen bucks for a f..ked up duck, and I still got the f..king duck!

Very Good! I could even hear your Canuckian accent as I read it.

A rabbi and a priest are involved in a bad car crash. Their vehicles are totally demolished but both clergymen are uninjured. After they crawl out of their wrecked cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar. 'So,' says the rabbi, 'you're a priest. I am a rabbi. Just look at our cars. Both are completely demolished and you and I stand here unscathed. God must have intended for us to meet and become great friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.' 'I agree with you totally,' says the priest. 'This must be a sign from God. You will be my closest friend for as long as we both may live.'
'Look at this,' the rabbi continues. 'Here is another miracle already. Look here in the back, a bottle of Mogen David wine, unbroken. Surely God wants us to seal our friendship with a drink.' With this, he pops the cork, and hands the bottle to the priest, who takes several swigs and passes it back to the rabbi. But he just hands it back to the priest.
'Aren't you having any?' the priest asks. 'No,' the rabbi replies. 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'

Oh Papashine you've got a winner there! :p :p :p