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Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 11,062
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Awesome! Mom's always know everything! (The voice of recent experience)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ But then what do I know, I am but a mere caveman
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 865
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A young hillbilly named Kenny, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Kenny replied, "well, then, just give me my money back."
The Farmer said, "can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey."
The farmer asked, "what ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "you can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny said, "sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "what happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998"
The farmer said, "didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny said, "just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Kenny eventually became the chairman of Enron.
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 865
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Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."
"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"
"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.
"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."
"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."
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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 5,563
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It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:
Two tall trees, a Birch and a Beech, are growing in the woods. A sapling begins to grow between them, and the Beech says to the Birch, "Is that a son of a Beech or a son of a Birch?"
The Birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The Birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a Beech or a son of a Birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small sapling. He replies, "It is neither a son of a Beech nor a son of a Birch. It is, however, the best piece of Ash I have ever put my pecker in."
Now wipe that smile off your face.
Harriette Take only pictures leave only bubbles
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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 3,299
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My Dear Family,
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Love, Grandma
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 4,294
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THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY
Good : Your wife is pregnant. Bad : It's triplets. Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good : Your wife's not talking to you Bad : She wants a divorce. Ugly : She's a lawyer.
Good : Your son is finally maturing. Bad : He's involved with the women next door. Ugly : So are you.
Good : Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there. Ugly : You're in them.
Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids. Bad : You can't find your birth control pills. Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.
Good : Your husband understands fashion. Bad : He's a cross-dresser. Ugly : He looks better than you.
Good : You just gave "the birds and the bees" talk to your daughter. Bad : She keeps interrupting. Ugly : With corrections
Good : Your son is dating someone new. Bad : It's another man. Ugly : He's your best friend.
Good : Your daughter got a new job. Bad : As a hooker. Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients. Way ugly : She makes more money than you do ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Joined: Jan 2006
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