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Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 3,035
Pedro1 Offline OP
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Britain is Repossessing the USA

To: The citizens of the United States of America

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. Harley Davidsons will still be allowed.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been wrongly calling gasoline)-roughly $9/US gallon. Get used to it! We'll come back to the gallon measure later!

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with "ketshup", but with vinegar. You will henceforth stop serving everything in polystyrene containers. It is extremely bad for the environment. Newspapers have proved to completely acceptable for both their thermal properties and recycling qualities.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are a reasonable sporting Nation (having just managed to scrape the World Cup) and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to hereafter as NFGU. Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of girls). Don't try Rugby - the Southern hemisphere teams will thrash you, believe it or not, they sometimes beat us!

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans, Indians and Pakistani's (look them up in the Atlas provided or Google Earth) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1769).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season. Dinner should be served after 6 in the evening. The midday meal is called lunch!

God save the Queen..

By Royal Proclamation

John Cleese

Governor designate for the North American Dependency,
(formerly known as the USA)

Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 5,255
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wasn't he also the minister of silly walks?

Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 10,850
E
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E
This will make it easier for us to get residencies in San Pedro.

Thanks!

Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 11,062
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Looks like Mr. KC Jayhawk won't be getting easy residency very soon. On the other hand, he could appoint himself King/President/Emperor/Dictator and travel on diplomatic credentials!


_ _ _ _ _ _ _________________ _ _ _ _ _ _
But then what do I know, I am but a mere caveman
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 4,701
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p1 strikes again!!!!!!!! laugh laugh laugh laugh

Joined: May 2005
Posts: 3,955
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lol -- I am very busy tonight, but I pledge to have a response to Her Majesty forthwith.


I will have a Belikin -- put it on klcman's tab.
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 3,888
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There goes my DENTAL plan!

Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 5,255
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wow, you have a dental plan? i had over $15K in out of pocket medical last year alone, which is more than my income. i couldn't recoup it on my taxes because i stupidly invested wisely and made too much interest, which i promptly used to pay my legal bills cuz my ex sued me for custody and support.

i want to still love america; really i do....otter, help me here!!!!


Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 977
RMT Offline
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I believe it was a joke Jane! You know...the english and teeth and oh well never mind...:)

Oh noooo! Does this mean it's nothing but Bangers and Mash from here on out?? laugh

Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 39
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Hey P1, in your wildest dreams, how is your German?


I was out of town when it happen
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