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Re: Smiles for the day [Re: ] #278054
04/24/08 12:36 PM
04/24/08 12:36 PM
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 3,157
Plano,Tx
pugwash Offline

.
pugwash  Offline
Originally Posted by pedro2
(S)he checked the map


Anyone else see a problem with this?


It's rarely rocket science, it's usually just math: then again if you can't do the math.......
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: pugwash] #278055
04/24/08 12:49 PM
04/24/08 12:49 PM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 3,279
Arizona USA
azbob Offline
.
azbob  Offline
Is he now a she/he?


"Hold on Tight To Your Dreams" ELO
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: pugwash] #278069
04/24/08 03:05 PM
04/24/08 03:05 PM
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 214
Maya Centre Village, Stann Cre...
MissLena Offline
.
MissLena  Offline
Originally Posted by pugwash
Originally Posted by pedro2
(S)he checked the map


Anyone else see a problem with this?


Yes. Rather than checking the map, she'd have asked the obvious natives standing nearby for directions to the bridge.

Re: Smiles for the day [Re: MissLena] #278072
04/24/08 03:12 PM
04/24/08 03:12 PM
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,416
maya beach
Barnacle Offline
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Barnacle  Offline
a cop drives by a car lot that is closed. he notices two old ladies sitting in a car,, just sitting there.
he goes to the car and asks if they are trying to steal it.
they say, "heavens no, we bought it".
"then why don't you drive it away?"
"oh, we can't drive."
"then why are sitting here?"
"we were told if we bought a used car we would get screwed,, so we're waiting."

Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Barnacle] #278234
04/26/08 08:09 AM
04/26/08 08:09 AM
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 3,677
Maple Grove, MN USA
Bobber Offline
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Bobber  Offline
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029



Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia , formerly known as California White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica . No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Florexico.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can actually photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States .

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florexico voters still having trouble with voting machines.





Been there, done that, the washing machine ate the T-shirt
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Bobber] #278317
04/26/08 11:36 PM
04/26/08 11:36 PM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 225
North Dakota
Shopgirl Offline
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Shopgirl  Offline
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am

the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when

I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are Going to

go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw

me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back, towel me dry, and bring me my robe. Then you

will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

The wife replied, 'The funeral director would be my first guess.'


"All people smile in the same language"
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Shopgirl] #278383
04/27/08 07:31 PM
04/27/08 07:31 PM
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 993
S.C.U.S.A
Bill Mc Ghee Offline
.
Bill Mc Ghee  Offline
Subject: Fwd: hollywood squares





If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may

bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from

the days when " Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous,

not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the

questions, of course..



Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. What made the monkey cry?

A. Paul Lynde: ...learning that Tarzan swings both ways.



Q.If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you

be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.



Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George

Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.



Q.You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a

woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. Charley, what story began with the discovery of magic beans?

A. Charley Weaver: Inherit the Wind!



Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you

think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's

married?

A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.



Q.Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.



Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.



Q. Which measurement was larger for the first Miss America, bust or hips?

A. Charley Weaver: Well, out at "The Home", we have one of the first

Miss Americas, and her bust meets her hips!



Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. You're watching balls going back and forth at speeds of up to 170

miles per hour. In what sport?

A. Joan Rivers: Jogging!



Q.As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands

while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll

give you a gesture you'll never forget.



Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.



Q.Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to

get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.



Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.



Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist

camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.



Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. If you're eating spaghetti the Italian way, what is in your left hand?

A Paul Lynde: A fly swatter.



Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.



Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a

goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?



Q.If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A .. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.



Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into

the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.



Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.



Q.Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,

what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.



Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your

elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?



Q When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.



Q. What is a woman's most effective weapon?

A. Paul Lynde ... a pair of 38's ...



Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and

has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.



Q According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh






Never Use money to measure wealth
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Bill Mc Ghee] #278396
04/27/08 09:19 PM
04/27/08 09:19 PM
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 4,701
Pismo Beach
Rykat Offline
.
Rykat  Offline
whew, funny, classic stuff can picture them saying it laugh laugh laugh


GOP - The Party of Lincoln.
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Rykat] #278404
04/27/08 11:49 PM
04/27/08 11:49 PM
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 5,518
Birdland - 1 mile north
ScubaLdy Offline
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ScubaLdy  Offline

I bought a new Lexus 330 but returned to the dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.

The Radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.

Then, he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant 'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music.



If I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, a driver ran a red light and nearly creamed my new Lexus. I swerved just in time to avoid him. I yelled, 'Ass Hole!'

Immediately Hail-to-the-Chief began playing.

I LOVE this car


Harriette
Take only pictures leave only bubbles
Re: Smiles for the day [Re: Amanda Syme] #278414
04/28/08 08:18 AM
04/28/08 08:18 AM
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 476
Indianapolis, IN, USA
C
ChrisW Offline
.
ChrisW  Offline
C
SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007

Scenario : Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school .
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario : Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy

Page 76 of 370 1 2 74 75 76 77 78 369 370

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